funny with a soundtrack

Good Fortunes

good fortunes
elleroy say: He who order Chinese food…still have to order dessert. Because the fortune cookies suck. Everybody knows the fun is in the fortune. But what the heck do they mean? I got one that said “If you’re still hungry…order more food.” How prophetic. It’s Chinese food, people. Of course I’m still [...]

Girl Interrupted: The Sentence Finish...

girl interrupted
“I feel just a little…” “Angry?” “No…just a little frustrated because…” “You can’t find your keys?” “No…I can’t seem to…” “Get everything done in a day?” “No…what I’m trying to say is…” “Oh [...]

Bill Belichick’s Balls

Bill Belichick
Seems you can’t turn on the TV lately without hearing about Patriots football team head coach Bill Belichick’s balls. In fact, really, the whole team’s balls. Apparently they were deflated during a pretty important “event”.  Now there’s a lot of controversy over who did what to the balls, whether they were [...]

My Kid’s Teacher is Driving Me ...

my kid's teacher is driving me crazy
I’m thinking about making this a series. Seriously, Miles’ third grade teacher is driving me crazy.  She’s a nice lady, and I know she’s just doing her job, according to the dicktum dictum being set forth by the school board, the state, and yada yada. Teachers have one of the hardest, most important jobs there is, and [...]

Jesus’ 13th Birthday

Jesus' 13th Birthday
It’s not easy raising a teen. Especially now, when they’re all locked in their rooms playing video games, only resurfacing for matters of sustenance or expulsion of bodily fluids. Getting them to talk to people who come to the house? In full sentences? How about when friends and relatives come over for a holiday or the kid’ [...]

The Fitness Goals of an Eight Year Ol...

fitness goals of an eight year old
It’s a changing world. And because life has so drastically changed in this, the twenty-first century, millennials everywhere are facing academic realities far more ridiculous than any of us or our parents ever endured. Take for instance, the Fitness Goals assignment that came home the other day swaddled  amongst thirty-two other papers, [...]

10 Funny Celebrity Facts

Skinny Girl Marijuana
1. Skinny Girl Marijuana?  Skinny Girl Margarita mogul and reality and talk show star Bethenny Frankel was spotted at a cannabis dispensary in Aspen, Colorado recently and later tweeted about how amazed she was that the stuff was so readily available there, not to mention lucrative. Supposedly she’s working on a strain of pot that woul [...]

10 Ways to Survive Super Bowl Sunday

football widow
It’s that time again, ladies.  The end of football season is upon us.  The veritable light at the end of the tunnel is flickering away at us like a beacon of hope during an otherwise weary winter.  Husbands everywhere will be waking from their glazed zombie-like slumber, tossing their well worn jerseys onto the bedroom floor to be trip [...]

Two Nipples and a Funeral

Two Nipples and a Funeral
Nobody feels super confident and self assured at a funeral except for those creepy, somber, suited fellows whose job it is to stoically greet mourners, directing them past the box to their chairs, out the door, to and from the parking lot, in and out of church, and to the gravesite.  They have the schtick down and they’re reasonably [...]

10 Sure-Fire “Get Out of Sex&#...

get out of sex excuses
1. Headache. This is cliché, so unfortunately, even if you actually have a headache, use it judiciously. In other words, reserve it for migraines and searing, blinding cranial pain. If your partner insists that sex could relax you and possibly alleviate the headache, start screaming. 2. Dishonorable Discharge. Casually mention that you’ [...]

10 Really Stupid Product Names

suks
Somewhere in an ad agency far, far away…or maybe as close as Madison Avenue, there are ad execs pitching products with names so stupid that, despite the ones that are obviously unfortunate language translations, you have to wonder if they’re doing it just to humiliate us. Because you know there’s a touch of the sadistic in t [...]

10 Ways to Avoid Becoming Your Mother

10 Ways to Avoid Becoming Your Mother
The other day I had one of those things…what does Oprah call them, an “Aha! Moment”.  I caught myself saying something to the kids that rocked me to my core. It was shrill and it was utterly authoritative, (albeit, not in a particularly good way) and it was more obstinate than a three year old in a McDonald’s ball pit [...]

A Middle Finger Salute to the Holiday...

Christmas Card
Christmas is over now, but I wanted to take one more fond and nostalgic look back at the holidays and all the magic that surrounded it. Specifically, my father in law’s Christmas card. You see, every year it’s been his tradition to have a picture taken with his grandkids on Thanksgiving, which he then includes on his Christmas car [...]

Some of my Facebook Friends Are Dead&...

some of my Facebook friendsare dead...
Has this ever happened to you? You find out that one of your 600 Facebook friends has slipped the surly bonds of earth and social media and gone to the “other side”? I’ve had it happen a few times already. And they weren’t the people that I kinda-sorta-knew-but-never-really-met. I’m talking about people who were a part of my life. Well, one o [...]

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