‘Twas a week before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a damn thing was ready
So I yelled at my spouse
Why aren’t the lights hung like our neighbors’ out there?
‘Cause you know those damn Joneses are gonna compare
The children would soon be released from their schools
Meaning we had two days to wrap shit for the [...]
So check this out.
One of my favorite things to do is save money. So I’ve gotta love anybody who helps me accomplish that.
Even if they’re a total numb nut asshat.
Allow me to set the scene. You see, I have this Crate & Barrel rojo cabinet. And every year, when the Crate & Barrel Catalog hits the mailbox, this gorgeous, [...]
When our son Max was five years old, Kevin and I took him to Cleveland to visit Grandma during the holidays. Realizing that he had yet to make the annual Santa pilgrimage, we decided it was as good a time as ever.
Since we were in Cleveland, my first inclination was to head downtown for a real old school department store reenactment of the s [...]
So you woke up this morning and before your feet even hit the floor you wondered to yourself “Gee, what kind of fantastical bullshit am I going to find the moment I log in to Facebook?” Because you know that happens every day in this 21st century of proverbial madness.
Hopefully today it won’t be anything violent or politica [...]
You’ll want to read thith aloud. It’th funnier that way.
You thee, I thpeak with a thlight lithp. Oh, I’m not making fun of lithperth. I’m jutht making lemonade out of lemonth.
Rethently, while thinging Chrithmath carolthe with my thon, I realithed jutht how much of an indignity the theathon ith for uth lithperth. It [...]
Aw girl….you KNOW what time of year it is! That’s right…it’s Holiday Catalog season! C’mon now, it deserves to be capitalized. And capitalized on.
But honey, as much as I squee, and run to brew up some tea, so I can spend the better part of whatever uninterrupted time there is left for me, salivating over the [...]
No, really – I looovvveee Barry Manilow! His Greatest Hits? Terrific! I am SO gonna pop this on later and totally take myself to the Copa. The Big Book of Dirty Jokes? How did you know? I am a humor writer after all and it says a lot that you really “get” me. Even if you are my Father in Law. No, it’s not awkwa [...]
The dreaded F word.
In a perfect world, our kids would be sweet and innocent and untouched by the big, bad harsh reality of the outside world, the media, their parents’ foibles and their siblings’ potty mouths.
In the real world, however, they learn this shit early.
I won’t lie to you – the occasional four letter wor [...]
Meanwhile…somewhere at the North Pole…at 1-800-HOT-ELVZ hotline…
Elf: Pluck your Cherry Christmas…how can I do you?
Caller: I’d like to play some reindeer games.
Elf: Have you been Naughty or Nice?
Caller: Very…VERY naughty.
Elf: Excellent! What are you wearing?
Caller: Just a stocking and a sprig of Holly. Can [...]
There is nothing quite so sacred as the time honored family dinner. And because I recognize and hold this ideal close to my heart, it has become a goal – no, mission, to get my nuclear unit together for at least one square meal a day.
Because the evening meal is that portion of the day reserved for carving out quality time with those c [...]
My mother is a worry wart.
I don’t know if the inclination came from a tough childhood, the loss of my father and stepfather, growing up during the depression, or just an ingrained sense of worry. But she worries. A lot.
I’ve inherited her propensity for worry to some degree, and I’m guessing it has to do at least in some s [...]