The Other F Word

I'll tell you what. I've always had a youthful spirit. I mean, I've got a rock band, I ride a motorcycle, and I'm pretty sure I'm one of the only moms (at least in my neighborhood) sporting a Day of the Dead shirt, a skull ring and combat boots. You know what else? I'm 50-ish. Okay, I'm 51. But that means I'm on the other side of 50. I'm IN IT, YO. And it feels pretty much like I've always heard other people say it is; you feel like the same young person but with a few more wrinkles, and [...]

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Yes! My First World Problems Do Amount to a Hill of Beans

Coffee is a way of life. In fact, it is life as far as I’m concerned. I started drinking the stuff when I was ten, even though it came from a five-pound can of Folgers decidedly not-French roast, and was nothing more than sludgy water with milk But it was my sludge of choice. So as the years passed, I gradually edged closer toward my current coffee snob status with full enthusiasm. From the discovery of stovetop brewed Turkish coffee in college to grinding my own beans from New York City’s Zabar’s coffee haven in my twenties, each new caffeinated [...]

  • Good Humor Me

Good Humor Me! What To Get the Husband Who Wants Nothing

No, I did not marry an axe murderer.  This is Christmas 1990, the year I got Kevin a shirt he considered "fruity" and a meat cleaver.  Why a cleaver?  Because a week earlier he gazed longingly into a locked case full of knives at Bed Bath & Beyond and professed his desire to own a meat cleaver. Who am I to argue when I had no creative ideas of my own? What he neglected to mention was that he wanted a Chinese cleaver, which is why he looks less than enthused. Chinese cleavers are thinner and lighter, while this one just evokes images [...]

  • I Identify as a Tall Person

I Identify as a Tall Person

Today is the day I come clean with you guys. I can't carry on with the charade anymore. I feel like I owe it to you and myself to be straight up and honest about something that has been eating away at me my entire life. This isn't going to be easy, and God knows it's probably going to come as a bit of a shock to you. All I'm asking is that you keep an open mind and hear me out before making any judgements. Okay. Here goes... I identify as a tall person. There. I said it. God, [...]

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Saddam Hussein and an Oreo Cookie

Whenever I have a weird dream, which is most of the time, I immediately tell Kevin. Sometimes he shakes his head and reminds me that I'm deeply disturbed and other times he analyzes them. He even got me a dream analysis book that I keep on my bedside table for those times when I just have to know what my subconscious is trying to tell me through falling down a flight of steps while simultaneously releasing a red balloon. Lately my brain has been on an evil dictator bender. The other day in the shower, I could have sworn I saw the face of Osama [...]