Hop into your minivan and get ready to cruise through the crazies of Suburbia! Humorist Stacey Gustafson makes an entertaining tour guide in Are You Kidding Me?, a brash, voyeuristic peek inside the topsy-turvy world of suburban motherhood, midlife madness, and all points in between. If you’ve ever called SWAT on a neighbor, faked a heart at [...]
Shield you from the sun
Shield you from the world
Now you’re looking cool
Not an ordinary girl
If you’re lucky, can be rose colored
Anything would help
This world looks gray and gritty
You don’t wanna be yourself
Those Ray Bans make it sweeter
Less reason now to squint
And the world sees you much clearer
This is not me.
But wouldn’t it be great if it were? “I’m” so beautiful, hip, stylish and blonde! I always wanted to be a blonde. I was for a few months, but it didn’t work out. I’m not all that sunny. I’m a moody brunette through and through.
Here “I’m” so Urban Profession [...]
It’s story time, children. Everyone gather ’round on the story carpet. I’m going to tell you the tale of the magical, mystical Neon Vagina.
Once upon a time, before this writer was a mom she married Kevin. On this momentous day, people brought gifts. Some brought lovely keepsakes, some brought crappy things like salt an [...]
Welcome, My children, to the third installment of My talk show, Jesus! I’m your Heavenly Host, Jesus Christ.
You know, three has always been a magic number for Me, and so I’ve decided the guest for My third show should be someone extra special and important. Who better than Madonna, to fill that bill. Gosh, I have so much to [...]
Last night I had the craziest dream.
My husband Kevin and I were on a plane and the Captain made an announcement: “Attention ladies and gentlemen. We are lucky today to have a special guest onboard! Kristen Wiig of Saturday Night Live is here…(passengers cheer) “and she will be landing the plane!” More cheering. App [...]
Chocolate. Coffee. Tequila. In a pretty bottle. Patrón’s XO Cafe Dark is my favorite libation at the moment. Of the Patrón line of tequila’s it is one of the least expensive too.
Chocolate and coffee both pair well with orange, so I decided on Triple Sec. It’s not too sweet – just a nice hint of orange.
I have an irrational fear of public restrooms.
Come to think of it, maybe it’s not so irrational. After all, they’re usually disgusting, and while my husband is pretty good at avoiding public bathrooms, I have a bladder the size of a walnut, and it’s triggered every time I walk through the threshold of a big box store, so [...]
Saturday morning. I get on the A train at the W. 4th street station and park myself on a seat which is perpendicular to a couple of seats being occupied by a kindly looking older African American couple.
I say “couple” because it looked, and more importantly, sounded to me like they were together. And by “together” [...]
There’s a Hoo-Ha in Whoville
The thing is bright pink
And its stink is much stinkier than the stink from a Gink
Its color’s more vivid than you’d ever think
And when folks down in Whoville see it, they shrink
It makes the Whos’ eyes wide, but they give it a wink
It’s ingrained in their memories like indelible [...]
Hello My children, and welcome My talk show! Today’s guest is someone you’re undoubtedly familiar with whether you like it or not. He’s been in the news, he’s been all over your radio, and some of your daughter’s bedroom walls, and he’s even been in the slammer. Join me in welcoming The Biebs himself, J [...]
Kevin returned from a client meeting shaking his head in frustration. As an architect, he deals with all sorts of humanity, not the least of which are demanding, entitled, “I can have and do anything” types. But this time, the source of frustration did not stem from that ilk.
“This woman just kept deferring to me, saying [...]
You’ll have to excuse me; I’m feeling a little salty lately. I prefer to blame it on menopause, but really, I think it has something to do with the fact that this school year has gone on far too long. You see, we live in the east, where the incessant snow days make it necessary for the kids to go to school well into June.
This one’s for parents everywhere who realize their kids are throwing a party, (or a fit) while the party’s pretty much over for us at the moment. It’s their party, and we’ll cry if we want to. And the party’s loud, messy and causing us to lose sleep.
To the tune of Miley Cyrus’s hit “We Can [...]
This post is part of a fun and creative writing exercise hosted by my friend Karen at Baking In a Tornado, called Secret Subject Swap! Here’s how it works. A bunch of bloggers get together and swap story ideas. Then we work those ideas into a story.
My subject was submitted by Juice Box Confession, and I love it; it’s a really [...]
Jesus: Hello, My children, and welcome to My show! It’s about time the “Powers That Be” gave Me My own show; I was sick and tired of seeing everybody else get one and not Me. I mean, who better than Me to host a show? I don’t even have to do the research; I know everything about My guests.
Looking at the transcript no [...]
The cat bounds into the bedroom, pulling the rug with her like some kind of feline magic carpet. My eight year old, witnessing the mayhem, in an immediate and instinctive show of OCD solidarity toward his mother, straightens said rug, making sure all the corners are neatly turned down, tassels straightened.
My Goddess…what have I done [...]
So this lovely lady invited me to participate in a fun and interesting exercise that’s been going on around the web lately. I was not only honored that the invitation came from her, someone I really admire, but it sounded like fun, and frankly, I’m a sucker for this kind of thing. I love questionnaires, and I love reading them.
Yo! This ain’t your Mama’s Dr. Seuss! Listen to what I’m puttin’ down.
Word from the Doctor! Or…in this case…your Muthuh! Somebody’s mother…not yours, but you get the idea…ahem…and now without further adieu…
Editor’s Note: The following is a farcical ode to the Hip Hop jams the kids are ̶ [...]
They say all the world’s a stage. I like to think it is. After all, I went to acting school, and that was the only time in my life when I felt I was absolutely justified in my usual craziness and need to be “on”. Not that I’m always “on”, but when I feel like turning “it” “on”, it [...]
It makes a lot of sense. Especially because it came from Bill Murray.
I’m not being facetious. I mean it. The guy is a straight shooter, a realist. As honest as they come. I trust his word as much as I would, say, a beloved President with a solid reputation for being truthful.
So when he gave some sage “when to get married [...]
I’ve been trying to lose weight.
Really. I mean it this time.
So for the last few weeks, I’ve been making a concerted effort to cut out the bread, cut out the sugar as much as possible, knock off the chips, fries and burgers completely…I know… and exercise every day.
This week I lost lost to four pounds.
Then, like an idi [...]
It’s huge! So far, it’s been a throbbing, pulsing contribution to the internet. It’s bigger than anything you could ever imagine in your wildest dreams.
And I’m adding my 6″ worth to it.
Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.
Yes, It’s In the Powder Room‘s Peen Week!
And I’m unveiling something th [...]
1. The Bravo Show “On the Couch”. A show where you sit and watch people sitting and watching TV. Basically the Land O’ Lakes of television. What if I sat on my couch and watched them sitting on their couches watching someone else on their couch, watching someone else…and so on, and so on? Come to think of it, this also [...]
Has this ever happened to you? You find out that one of your 600 Facebook friends has slipped the surly bonds of earth and social media and gone to the “other side”?
I’ve had it happen a few times already. And they weren’t the people that I kinda-sorta-knew-but-never-really-met. I’m talking about people who we [...]
My radio is trying to tell me something.
Or more specifically, Pandora is sending me subliminal messages via Levon Helm and The Band.
Here’s the thing; every time I put on Pandora – and granted, I listen to the Tom Petty channel, the Bob Dylan channel, stuff of the Americana ilk – the song ‘Take a Load Off Fanny’ [...]
Thankfulness is a good thing, kids. We should all get more of it. I highly recommend thankfulness. It beats the hell outta disgruntled, entitlement any day. Anyway, I’ve had some big thankful moments of late, and I’m long overdue for a contribution here at Lizzi’s party, so here I am with bells on – ring-a-ling-a-ling [...]
Sweetheart, I hear that you find your life sucky
But did I ever tell you how so very lucky
How completely, exorbitantly, increasingly lucky
And actually pampered you are?
While you claim to have nothing but these dirty socks
Might I remind you I dropped five bills on that stupid X Box
You’re unhappy tonight with the dinner I’ve m [...]
You know, I’m only ever seeking justice when I stand up and point out things that might be uncomfortable for the listener.
It’s only because I care. But time and time again it lands me in the doghouse.
Bigmouth strikes again.
You’d think I’d have learned by now. But no. I persist.
It’s cost me friends. It [...]
Lately Miles has been a little antsy. Every time Kevin and I debate something, and that’s fairly often, he tells us to stop fighting.
Allow me to clarify. We don’t so much fight as we debate. We like to debate everything; politics, current events, the music business, the positive and negative qualities of local fast food restau [...]