elleroy say: He who order Chinese food…still have to order dessert. Because the fortune cookies suck.
Everybody knows the fun is in the fortune. But what the heck do they mean?
I got one that said “If you’re still hungry…order more food.” How prophetic. It’s Chinese food, people. Of course I’m still [...]
“I feel just a little…”
“No…just a little frustrated because…”
“You can’t find your keys?”
“No…I can’t seem to…”
“Get everything done in a day?”
“No…what I’m trying to say is…”
Seems you can’t turn on the TV lately without hearing about Patriots football team head coach Bill Belichick’s balls. In fact, really, the whole team’s balls. Apparently they were deflated during a pretty important “event”. Now there’s a lot of controversy over who did what to the balls, whether they were [...]
I’m thinking about making this a series.
Seriously, Miles’ third grade teacher is driving me crazy. She’s a nice lady, and I know she’s just doing her job, according to the dicktum dictum being set forth by the school board, the state, and yada yada. Teachers have one of the hardest, most important jobs there is, and [...]
It’s not easy raising a teen. Especially now, when they’re all locked in their rooms playing video games, only resurfacing for matters of sustenance or expulsion of bodily fluids. Getting them to talk to people who come to the house? In full sentences? How about when friends and relatives come over for a holiday or the kid’ [...]
It’s a changing world. And because life has so drastically changed in this, the twenty-first century, millennials everywhere are facing academic realities far more ridiculous than any of us or our parents ever endured.
Take for instance, the Fitness Goals assignment that came home the other day swaddled amongst thirty-two other papers, [...]
1. Skinny Girl Marijuana? Skinny Girl Margarita mogul and reality and talk show star Bethenny Frankel was spotted at a cannabis dispensary in Aspen, Colorado recently and later tweeted about how amazed she was that the stuff was so readily available there, not to mention lucrative. Supposedly she’s working on a strain of pot that woul [...]
It’s that time again, ladies. The end of football season is upon us. The veritable light at the end of the tunnel is flickering away at us like a beacon of hope during an otherwise weary winter. Husbands everywhere will be waking from their glazed zombie-like slumber, tossing their well worn jerseys onto the bedroom floor to be trip [...]
Nobody feels super confident and self assured at a funeral except for those creepy, somber, suited fellows whose job it is to stoically greet mourners, directing them past the box to their chairs, out the door, to and from the parking lot, in and out of church, and to the gravesite. They have the schtick down and they’re reasonably [...]
1. Headache. This is cliché, so unfortunately, even if you actually have a headache, use it judiciously. In other words, reserve it for migraines and searing, blinding cranial pain. If your partner insists that sex could relax you and possibly alleviate the headache, start screaming.
2. Dishonorable Discharge. Casually mention that you’ [...]
Somewhere in an ad agency far, far away…or maybe as close as Madison Avenue, there are ad execs pitching products with names so stupid that, despite the ones that are obviously unfortunate language translations, you have to wonder if they’re doing it just to humiliate us. Because you know there’s a touch of the sadistic in t [...]
The other day I had one of those things…what does Oprah call them, an “Aha! Moment”. I caught myself saying something to the kids that rocked me to my core. It was shrill and it was utterly authoritative, (albeit, not in a particularly good way) and it was more obstinate than a three year old in a McDonald’s ball pit [...]
Christmas is over now, but I wanted to take one more fond and nostalgic look back at the holidays and all the magic that surrounded it. Specifically, my father in law’s Christmas card.
You see, every year it’s been his tradition to have a picture taken with his grandkids on Thanksgiving, which he then includes on his Christmas car [...]
Has this ever happened to you? You find out that one of your 600 Facebook friends has slipped the surly bonds of earth and social media and gone to the “other side”?
I’ve had it happen a few times already. And they weren’t the people that I kinda-sorta-knew-but-never-really-met. I’m talking about people who were a part of my life. Well, one o [...]