“Hi. How can I help you?”
“Help! I’ve got a jumper!”
“Oooh…that sounds interesting. Tell me more.”
“He’s gonna jump. He can’t take it anymore. He’s in deep. Real deep.”
“Oh…I get what you’re saying…and where is ‘he’?”
1. You just got off a plane from Liberia. Now isn’t the time to jet off to Africa for that djembe master class. Pipe down, Sheila E. Start marching to the beat of your own tribal drummer right here in the U.S.
2. You just threw up a little in your mouth. Be careful. It might not be the latest idiocracy being spewed forth by a member of [...]
I’ve had a lot of stupid jobs. A LOT. And I’ve always wondered how I could get one of those cushy jobs that could be done at home, making my own hours, being my own boss and avoiding all the office politics and bad office parties that I’ve spent years enduring through a plethora of temp jobs and and other cubicle residencie [...]
Family life is a beautiful, wonderful bounty of love, laughter, breaking bread, bathroom woes, and mother daughter bonding, (read: humiliation) during literal tangles while bra shopping.
Ah, the nuclear tribe resplendent.
Welcome to life with the Gustafsons, where matriarch Stacey encounters it all and lives to tell the laugh out loud [...]
Wait a minute. What’s this kid gassing on about? Old people? I thought it was dead people.
Is old the new dead?
You know, if I were Bruce Willis, (which by the way, if I could actually be any movie actor, he’d be tied for last place with Bill Bob Thornton) but if I were, I’d be asking this kid a slew of questions [...]
Standing at the kitchen sink on a perfectly content Saturday morning doing dishes, gazing out the window at an unseasonably mild blue sky day, all of a sudden it comes. That feeling. That same old, familiar feeling I get every so often from almost nowhere and from deep down in my gut.
Things could be going just swell. No underlying grief. No [...]
It’s Fall, I can feel it in the air, and I’m excited. Fall is my favorite season and this week I’ve got a cocktail that makes tasty use of all the delicious fresh apple cider that’s becoming available at local orchards and farmer’s markets. One of the most comforting things is cinnamon toast. I re [...]
Call me a nutbag
I’ll admit I’ve spent months in bed
…wished I was dead
Thoughts muddling my heart…
…and my head
Stormy days cloaked by a dark umbrella
The pumpkin awaiting its Cinderella
The pills are a help and so is my fella
But you know what can save me?
That thing call [...]
If you thought the story about the mom who baked vagina cupcakes for a second grade class was bizarre, wait until you get a load of this wacked out tale.
A 22 year old Columbian woman actually used a potato as a contraceptive. She wedged the starchy veg up into her nether regions, where it incubated for two weeks like some weird agricultural [...]
So it happened. Hollywood’s most non-committal bachelor finally tied the knot, and we’ve heard about it practically every minute of last week. The dress, the guest list, the lavish weekend long festivities. Ah, wealth. Ah, privilege.
On a side note, well done George Clooney! The bride is a beauty and she’s smart, [...]
Depression sucks. Pretty obvious. That little sad Zoloft pod, water droplet, whatever it is in the commercial, some days I just want to take a hair dryer to that little bastard until it evaporates.
Oh God…sorry…see? It gets that bad.
Entire days devoid of motivation, years of therapy, more issues than the newsstand at Barnes & [...]
Looking for ideas for that school bake sale you volunteered for? Feel like sending a message of empowerment to the future women of the world? Why not bake up a batch of vagina cupcakes? The kids will snatch ‘em up in no time flat! Because brownies are so passé. Wouldn’t you rather show up with some pussé?
The real question is, co [...]
As you know, I write for Donna Cavanaugh’s Humor Outcasts. Donna also runs a publishing company, Humor Outcasts Press.
HOP’s newest release is Stand Up and Be a Lady by Robin Savage, a Mother of two school-aged children by day and a Stand-Up comedian by night. She has been known to mix the two up and offer her kids a two-item m [...]
Hey guys! It’s cover reveal day for the upcoming new humor anthology in the Mother of All Meltdown series from Blue Lobster Book Company! Clash of the Couples: A Humorous Collection of Completely Absurd Lovers’ Squabbles and Relationship Spats! I’m thrilled and proud to be among the stellar list of co-authors!
I’m excited to feature a guest post today by my friend, the hilarious Anne Bardsley, in support of her new book How I Earned My Wrinkles: Musings on Marriage, Motherhood, and Menopause!
Anne and I are Facebook buddies, so it was a real treat to finally meet at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop this past April. She is just as warm [...]
To the mother in the school supply aisle at Target this Wednesday afternoon, yes, it’s me, the woman who did a 180 when you shouted at your daughter. I just wanted to say that I wasn’t judging you. You simply scared the bejezus out of me.
You see, I don’t eavesdrop. And even if I did, I’d have chosen a more intere [...]
The brief history of my laundry experiences post childhood have been mostly dim, horrible, dank, and smelling of some third world sauna; if third world countries had such things. They’ve mostly been housed in leaky, infested basements and laundromats in the iffy part of town. Traumatic really. And traumatic plus laundry equals Traundry [...]
How much do we love our home magazines? It’s porn. I read anything I can get my hands on. Oh God, and the catalogs! Tell me you haven’t squealed just a little on the inside each time the Pottery Barn catalog turned up in the mailbox. I can’t bear to throw them away. I once had 10 years of Martha Stewart Livings stockpiled u [...]
Meanwhile, while perusing the menu over ridiculously strong martinis at an upscale restaurant…
Me: I’m thinking about getting the 18 oz 21 Day Dry Aged USDA Prime NY Strip Steak. That is, if I can get all that out. I don’t think I can say all that, much less remember it. Maybe I’ll just point.
Kevin: It’s 18 oz [...]
I’m all out of breath. And I kind of feel like I’m cried out. But that’s how I always feel. And then, just when I think there is nothing left to shock me, hurt me, catch me off guard or guilt me with…
BAM! Another one. Like a sucker punch.
Because that’s what it is, really. And I’m the sucker. Because I [...]
The question comes up frequently. “Are You Working?”
No, I get it; there are a lot of women out there in the workforce. They’re making their own money, getting out of the house, empowering themselves. We’ve come a long way, baby, and I’m all for it. If you’ve read me, you know I’m all Lefty Pop liber [...]