funny with a soundtrack

Life Up on Meat Mountain: Now I Know ...

meat mountain
Now wait a minute. Before you get all worked up, I’m not talking about that meat mountain. Though I know my Google analytics are going to be really interesting tomorrow morning, I’ll still be able to respect myself. How, you ask? I’ve decided to walk away from my relationship with Arby’s. Yes, it’s true. After a [...]

The Battle Over School Lunch: Make Lu...

school lunch
School lunches have never been considered anything much farther above airline or hospital food and the mere mention of them conjures up images of the Lunch Lady in a hairnet slopping mystery meat onto a plastic plate clad in latex gloves. Yum. I’m proud to say that my kids won’t touch the stuff thanks to a graphically demonstrat [...]

Nazi Zombie Alien Cyborgs and Snoop D...

My household was all abuzz this morning.  Over bagels and cream cheese, the subject of Snoop Dogg’s latest conquest loomed large. Seems the Call of Duty video game folks just released a voice pack featuring Snoop, and my kids are all up in that shizz like Philadelphia on cream cheese. Max had to buy it. He had to. You don’t unders [...]

I Suffer From MOFO – The Suprem...

There are a lot of afflictions that one can suffer from nowadays. I know, because I suffer from almost all of them. I’ve got OCD, PMS, depression, anxiety, FOMO, and MOFO. What? MOFO? What the hell is that? That’s not even a real thing! Oh, yes it is! So very real. I’ve been called a Mother since as far back as I can rememb [...]

Jesus Interviews Celebrities: Duck Dy...

duck dynasty
Hello My Children and welcome to My talk show, where I interview celebrities that sort of make me scratch My head.  As you can imagine, I couldn’t wait to talk to Phil Robertson of the reality show Duck Dynasty. What is happening down there? Can you please tell Me? I know I’m supposed to be all-knowing, but this stumps even Me. [...]

Hello Mothuh…Hello Fathuh: The ...

summer camp
Summer is winding down. For many of us, we’re experiencing the last bastion of summer activities, and that includes the ubiquitous summer camp.  There have been letters – of course there have been letters. Of course now, probably more incessant text messages than anything. But in those final attempts to put the point across to u [...]

It’s 5 o’clock! Somewhere...

it's 5 o'clock somewhere
Cucumber Collins  Not long ago, I had this cocktail at one of my favorite Jersey diners – Americana Diner.  This cocktail has become my favorite. I crave it. It’s perfect for summer. It’s clean and refreshing. So I went back and took a chance at asking for the recipe. The accommodating waiter was nice enough to ask the bart [...]

All This and VOTY Too! BlogHer14 in P...

BlogHerVOTY Group Bloppy Shot
Photo courtesy of Julie DeNeen “Oh my gawd” you’re saying.  It’s over a week after the conference and you’re still recapping this thing? Yes, yes I am. Pull a Sheryl Sandberg for a moment, lean in, and I’ll tell you a little secret. I have been quietly trying to get my collective shit together for over a we [...]

BlogHer’14: My Therapist Was Ri...

Wow, I’ve really let this place sit dormant, haven’t I? I’m a neglectful blog mother. If there were protective services for blogs, you’d all be calling DBWS. (That’s Division of Blogs and Website Services…rather than Division of Youth and Family Services as we know and love it here in Jersey.)  Between prep [...]

Book Reveal: Are You Kidding Me? by S...

Hop into your minivan and get ready to cruise through the crazies of Suburbia! Humorist Stacey Gustafson makes an entertaining tour guide in Are You Kidding Me?, a brash, voyeuristic peek inside the topsy-turvy world of suburban motherhood, midlife madness, and all points in between. If you’ve ever called SWAT on a neighbor, faked a heart at [...]

100 Word Song: Dark Sunglasses

Dark Sunglasses Shield you from the sun Shield you from the world Now you’re looking cool Not an ordinary girl If you’re lucky, can be rose colored Anything would help This world looks gray and gritty You don’t wanna be yourself Those Ray Bans make it sweeter Less reason now to squint And the world sees you much clearer Not [...]

10 Reasons Why I Blog

why i blog
This is not me. But wouldn’t it be great if it were?   “I’m” so beautiful, hip, stylish and blonde!  I always wanted to be a blonde.  I was for a few months, but it didn’t work out.  I’m not all that sunny.  I’m a moody brunette through and through. Here “I’m” so Urban Profession [...]

The Tale of the Neon Vagina

neon vagina
It’s story time, children.  Everyone gather ’round on the story carpet.  I’m going to tell you the tale of the magical, mystical Neon Vagina. Once upon a time, before this writer was a mom she married Kevin.  On this momentous day, people brought gifts.  Some brought lovely keepsakes, some brought crappy things like salt an [...]

Jesus Interviews Celebrities: Madonna

Welcome, My children, to the third installment of My talk show, Jesus!  I’m your Heavenly Host, Jesus Christ. You know, three has always been a magic number for Me, and so I’ve decided the guest for My third show should be someone extra special and important.  Who better than Madonna, to fill that bill.   Gosh, I have so much to [...]

Celebrity Worship or Whoreship?

Last night I had the craziest dream. My husband Kevin and I were on a plane and the Captain made an announcement: “Attention ladies and gentlemen. We are lucky today to have a special guest onboard! Kristen Wiig of Saturday Night Live is here…(passengers cheer) “and she will be landing the plane!”  More cheering.  App [...]

Patrón Cafe Dark Choco-Orange Coffee-...

Chocolate.  Coffee.  Tequila.  In a pretty bottle.  Patrón’s XO Cafe Dark is my favorite libation at the moment.  Of the Patrón line of tequila’s it is one of the least expensive too. Chocolate and coffee both pair well with orange, so I decided on Triple Sec.  It’s not too sweet – just a nice hint of orange. Ingredi [...]

Fear and Loathing in the Third Stall

I have an irrational fear of public restrooms. Come to think of it, maybe it’s not so irrational.  After all, they’re usually disgusting, and while my husband is pretty good at avoiding public bathrooms, I have a bladder the size of a walnut, and it’s triggered every time I walk through the threshold of a big box store, so [...]

Took the A Train

Saturday morning.  I get on the A train at the W. 4th street station and park myself on a seat which is perpendicular to a couple of seats being occupied by a kindly looking older African American couple. I say “couple” because it looked, and more importantly, sounded to me like they were together.  And by “together” [...]

There’s a Hoo-Ha In Whoville

There’s a Hoo-Ha in Whoville The thing is bright pink And its stink is much stinkier than the stink from a Gink Its color’s more vivid than you’d ever think And when folks down in Whoville see it, they shrink It makes the Whos’ eyes wide, but they give it a wink It’s ingrained in their memories like indelible [...]

Jesus Interviews Celebrities: Justin ...

Hello My children, and welcome My talk show!  Today’s guest is someone you’re undoubtedly familiar with whether you like it or not.  He’s been in the news, he’s been all over your radio, and some of your daughter’s bedroom walls, and he’s even been in the slammer.  Join me in welcoming The Biebs himself, J [...]

I’m Just a Girl

Just a Girl
Kevin returned from a client meeting shaking his head in frustration.  As an architect, he deals with all sorts of humanity, not the least of which are demanding, entitled, “I can have and do anything” types.  But this time, the source of frustration did not stem from that ilk. “This woman just kept deferring to me, saying [...]

Teacher Gifts: Welcome To the Land Of...

You’ll have to excuse me; I’m feeling a little salty lately.  I prefer to blame it on menopause, but really, I think it has something to do with the fact that this school year has gone on far too long.  You see, we live in the east, where the incessant snow days make it necessary for the kids to go to school well into June. We [...]

An Open Letter To J. Crew: Stop the e...

Dear J. Crew, I visited your outlet store exactly once.  And because I wasn’t thinking clearly, I gave your sales associate my e-mail address. Big mistake. I won’t get into the reasons why it bothers me when I’m asked to give out personal information after making a purchase. Let’s just say if I’m interested in [...]

Song Parody: We Can’t Stop

  This one’s for parents everywhere who realize their kids are throwing a party, (or a fit) while the party’s pretty much over for us at the moment.  It’s their party, and we’ll cry if we want to.  And the party’s loud, messy and causing us to lose sleep. To the tune of Miley Cyrus’s hit “We Can [...]

Secret Subject Swap: Perfect Impossib...

This post is part of a fun and creative writing exercise hosted by my friend Karen at Baking In a Tornado, called Secret Subject Swap!  Here’s how it works. A bunch of bloggers get together and swap story ideas.  Then we work those ideas into a story. My subject was submitted by Juice Box Confession, and I love it; it’s a really [...]

Stigma Fighters: Fighting Mental Illn...

  I’m sitting here on an overcast, rainy New Jersey day listening to Pharrell Williams sing Happy on The Today Show.  I’m on my second cup of coconut mocha java, that I washed down this morning’s Lexapro with and I’m feeling like I’m pretty much on my way toward that end goal. Yesterday on an impulse I boug [...]

Jesus Interviews Celebrities: Kim Kar...

Jesus: Hello, My children, and welcome to My show! It’s about time the “Powers That Be” gave Me My own show; I was sick and tired of seeing everybody else get one and not Me.  I mean, who better than Me to host a show? I don’t even have to do the research; I know everything about My guests. Looking at the transcript no [...]

Scared From Straightened To Sloppy

messy room
The cat bounds into the bedroom, pulling the rug with her like some kind of feline magic carpet.  My eight year old, witnessing the mayhem, in an immediate and instinctive show of OCD solidarity toward his mother, straightens said rug, making sure all the corners are neatly turned down, tassels straightened. My Goddess…what have I done [...]

I was selected for VOTY/PhOTY 2015

Hi! I'm Linda Roy. My nickname is elleroy. I'm a humorist, musician, writer, mom, and the female Larry David. I'll criticize your parallel parking to prove it. I write about where I've been, what I'm doing and where I'm going. If anybody asks, tell 'em "elleroy was here".

gimme some lovin’

c’mon, take a little piece o’ my blog now baby…

elleroy was here

sucker for politics & pop culture

Lefty Pop

smokin’ in the girls’ room

rock and roll coffee

I'm a featured blogger on Mamapedia Voices

ranked #1 for humor 10/26/12

unceremoniously bumped by that effing squirrel & kitty video 10/27/12