Meanwhile, while perusing the menu over ridiculously strong martinis at an upscale restaurant…
Me: I’m thinking about getting the 18 oz 21 Day Dry Aged USDA Prime NY Strip Steak. That is, if I can get all that out. I don’t think I can say all that, much less remember it. Maybe I’ll just point.
Kevin: It’s 18 oz [...]
I’m all out of breath. And I kind of feel like I’m cried out. But that’s how I always feel. And then, just when I think there is nothing left to shock me, hurt me, catch me off guard or guilt me with…
BAM! Another one. Like a sucker punch.
Because that’s what it is, really. And I’m the sucker. Because I [...]
The question comes up frequently. “Are You Working?”
No, I get it; there are a lot of women out there in the workforce. They’re making their own money, getting out of the house, empowering themselves. We’ve come a long way, baby, and I’m all for it. If you’ve read me, you know I’m all Lefty Pop liber [...]
Now wait a minute. Before you get all worked up, I’m not talking about that meat mountain. Though I know my Google analytics are going to be really interesting tomorrow morning, I’ll still be able to respect myself. How, you ask?
I’ve decided to walk away from my relationship with Arby’s.
Yes, it’s true. After a [...]
School lunches have never been considered anything much farther above airline or hospital food and the mere mention of them conjures up images of the Lunch Lady in a hairnet slopping mystery meat onto a plastic plate clad in latex gloves. Yum.
I’m proud to say that my kids won’t touch the stuff thanks to a graphically demonstrat [...]
My household was all abuzz this morning. Over bagels and cream cheese, the subject of Snoop Dogg’s latest conquest loomed large. Seems the Call of Duty video game folks just released a voice pack featuring Snoop, and my kids are all up in that shizz like Philadelphia on cream cheese.
Max had to buy it. He had to. You don’t unders [...]
There are a lot of afflictions that one can suffer from nowadays. I know, because I suffer from almost all of them. I’ve got OCD, PMS, depression, anxiety, FOMO, and MOFO.
What? MOFO? What the hell is that? That’s not even a real thing!
Oh, yes it is! So very real. I’ve been called a Mother since as far back as I can rememb [...]
Hello My Children and welcome to My talk show, where I interview celebrities that sort of make me scratch My head. As you can imagine, I couldn’t wait to talk to Phil Robertson of the reality show Duck Dynasty.
What is happening down there? Can you please tell Me? I know I’m supposed to be all-knowing, but this stumps even Me. [...]
Summer is winding down. For many of us, we’re experiencing the last bastion of summer activities, and that includes the ubiquitous summer camp. There have been letters – of course there have been letters. Of course now, probably more incessant text messages than anything. But in those final attempts to put the point across to u [...]
Not long ago, I had this cocktail at one of my favorite Jersey diners – Americana Diner. This cocktail has become my favorite. I crave it. It’s perfect for summer. It’s clean and refreshing. So I went back and took a chance at asking for the recipe. The accommodating waiter was nice enough to ask the bart [...]
Photo courtesy of Julie DeNeen
“Oh my gawd” you’re saying. It’s over a week after the conference and you’re still recapping this thing? Yes, yes I am. Pull a Sheryl Sandberg for a moment, lean in, and I’ll tell you a little secret. I have been quietly trying to get my collective shit together for over a we [...]
Wow, I’ve really let this place sit dormant, haven’t I? I’m a neglectful blog mother. If there were protective services for blogs, you’d all be calling DBWS. (That’s Division of Blogs and Website Services…rather than Division of Youth and Family Services as we know and love it here in Jersey.) Between prep [...]
Hop into your minivan and get ready to cruise through the crazies of Suburbia! Humorist Stacey Gustafson makes an entertaining tour guide in Are You Kidding Me?, a brash, voyeuristic peek inside the topsy-turvy world of suburban motherhood, midlife madness, and all points in between. If you’ve ever called SWAT on a neighbor, faked a heart at [...]
Shield you from the sun
Shield you from the world
Now you’re looking cool
Not an ordinary girl
If you’re lucky, can be rose colored
Anything would help
This world looks gray and gritty
You don’t wanna be yourself
Those Ray Bans make it sweeter
Less reason now to squint
And the world sees you much clearer
This is not me.
But wouldn’t it be great if it were? “I’m” so beautiful, hip, stylish and blonde! I always wanted to be a blonde. I was for a few months, but it didn’t work out. I’m not all that sunny. I’m a moody brunette through and through.
Here “I’m” so Urban Profession [...]
It’s story time, children. Everyone gather ’round on the story carpet. I’m going to tell you the tale of the magical, mystical Neon Vagina.
Once upon a time, before this writer was a mom she married Kevin. On this momentous day, people brought gifts. Some brought lovely keepsakes, some brought crappy things like salt an [...]
Welcome, My children, to the third installment of My talk show, Jesus! I’m your Heavenly Host, Jesus Christ.
You know, three has always been a magic number for Me, and so I’ve decided the guest for My third show should be someone extra special and important. Who better than Madonna, to fill that bill. Gosh, I have so much to [...]
Last night I had the craziest dream.
My husband Kevin and I were on a plane and the Captain made an announcement: “Attention ladies and gentlemen. We are lucky today to have a special guest onboard! Kristen Wiig of Saturday Night Live is here…(passengers cheer) “and she will be landing the plane!” More cheering. App [...]
Chocolate. Coffee. Tequila. In a pretty bottle. Patrón’s XO Cafe Dark is my favorite libation at the moment. Of the Patrón line of tequila’s it is one of the least expensive too.
Chocolate and coffee both pair well with orange, so I decided on Triple Sec. It’s not too sweet – just a nice hint of orange.
I have an irrational fear of public restrooms.
Come to think of it, maybe it’s not so irrational. After all, they’re usually disgusting, and while my husband is pretty good at avoiding public bathrooms, I have a bladder the size of a walnut, and it’s triggered every time I walk through the threshold of a big box store, so [...]
Saturday morning. I get on the A train at the W. 4th street station and park myself on a seat which is perpendicular to a couple of seats being occupied by a kindly looking older African American couple.
I say “couple” because it looked, and more importantly, sounded to me like they were together. And by “together” [...]
There’s a Hoo-Ha in Whoville
The thing is bright pink
And its stink is much stinkier than the stink from a Gink
Its color’s more vivid than you’d ever think
And when folks down in Whoville see it, they shrink
It makes the Whos’ eyes wide, but they give it a wink
It’s ingrained in their memories like indelible [...]
Hello My children, and welcome My talk show! Today’s guest is someone you’re undoubtedly familiar with whether you like it or not. He’s been in the news, he’s been all over your radio, and some of your daughter’s bedroom walls, and he’s even been in the slammer. Join me in welcoming The Biebs himself, J [...]
Kevin returned from a client meeting shaking his head in frustration. As an architect, he deals with all sorts of humanity, not the least of which are demanding, entitled, “I can have and do anything” types. But this time, the source of frustration did not stem from that ilk.
“This woman just kept deferring to me, saying [...]
You’ll have to excuse me; I’m feeling a little salty lately. I prefer to blame it on menopause, but really, I think it has something to do with the fact that this school year has gone on far too long. You see, we live in the east, where the incessant snow days make it necessary for the kids to go to school well into June.
This one’s for parents everywhere who realize their kids are throwing a party, (or a fit) while the party’s pretty much over for us at the moment. It’s their party, and we’ll cry if we want to. And the party’s loud, messy and causing us to lose sleep.
To the tune of Miley Cyrus’s hit “We Can [...]
This post is part of a fun and creative writing exercise hosted by my friend Karen at Baking In a Tornado, called Secret Subject Swap! Here’s how it works. A bunch of bloggers get together and swap story ideas. Then we work those ideas into a story.
My subject was submitted by Juice Box Confession, and I love it; it’s a really [...]