Forget about that annoying fox. I don’t know what he’s talking about. A whole bunch of fools out in the woods dancing around in fox costumes talkin’ nonsense. Where it gets real is with the prophetic and life changing words of a member of the poultry posse on death row all through the month of November with no chance of parole, hoping for a reprieve.
What does the turkey say?
There’s a small posse of turkeys living and hanging out at an intersection down our street. If you’re like me, you find a certain meaningful symbolism in that – either because you’ve got way too much time on your hands or you tend to over think everything. I’m guilty of both. I like to think there’s a cosmic reason for everything, man.
Those wild turkeys cluster together in their little turkey posse gobbling at every car that passes by. Occasionally they block the road and approach the driver’s side window, forcing the car to stop. This is what I refer to as Turkey Bullying. They’ll peck and gobble at the window for a few minutes giving what I can only assume is…a good gobbling to.
But what are they saying? What cosmic message…what lesson are they trying to impart?
Just so happens I speak fluent turkey. So, in the interest of spreading the word of the bird in order to enlighten the masses, I have decided to share this wisdom with you.
“Turkey wasn’t even on the menu at the first Thanksgiving, fool. How many shows do you have to watch before you get that into your thick pilgrim skull?”
Yes, of course they’re angry. Honestly, could you blame ’em? And these are Jersey turkeys. They’re a little brusque at times, but they’s good people.
“You know it’s murder, right? Would it kill you to eat veggie lasagna? And make it organic, will ya? Be a little responsible.”
“Wouldn’t you rather enjoy your holiday? Look, it’s gonna take you all day to cook me. You’ll agonize over things like brining, basting, whether or not I’ll dry out, temperature, level of doneness, carving and then the clean up? Oy! Do you really want to go through all that? Do yourself a favor and get a pizza.”
What? The “oy”? Do I think turkey’s might be Jewish? It’s possible.
“What’s the matter with you people anyway? Why does it have to be all about the food? Must you obsess about the food? Why can’t it be about getting together and enjoying each other’s company instead of the feast? No? Okay…well…I tried.”
“Have you seen that Chik Fil-A cow on the street corner with the sign, imploring you to “Eat More Chik-en? Don’t listen to him. He’s just trying to save his own hide. He’s selling us birds out to the highest bidder. That’s not cool. And besides – why would you want to listen to an anti gay dude dressed in a cow costume? Also? he can’t spell.”
“I’m hoping I’ll be here all month. Try the veal.”
“I get the feeling you’re a fair weather friend to my feathered friends. Where’s the love the rest of the year? Huh? Yeah, I guess you have your turkey burgers and your turkey sandwiches, your turkey franks and your turkey bacon. But in November you’re all up in our biznez talking turkey. It’s kinda insincere. Kinda makes you look like those people who only go to church on Christmas. You know, the ones who take up all the parking spaces and the good seats in the first two rows of pews so all the regulars have to sit in the back ’cause they had to circle the parking lot twelve times? You should be ashamed of yourselves.”
See? They’ve got a lot on their minds and they’re hoping you’ll have even less on your plate.