funny with a soundtrack

What Does the Turkey Say?

8635279244_ffbac943b1_zForget about that annoying fox. I don’t know what he’s talking about. A whole bunch of fools out in the woods dancing around in fox costumes talkin’ nonsense. Where it gets real is with the prophetic and life changing words of a member of the poultry posse on death row all through the month of November with no chance of parole, hoping for a reprieve.

What does the turkey say?

There’s a small posse of turkeys living and hanging out at an intersection down our street. If you’re like me, you find a certain meaningful symbolism in that – either because you’ve got way too much time on your hands or you tend to over think everything. I’m guilty of both. I like to think there’s a cosmic reason for everything, man.

Those wild turkeys cluster together in their little turkey posse gobbling at every car that passes by.  Occasionally they block the road and approach the driver’s side window, forcing the car to stop. This is what I refer to as Turkey Bullying. They’ll peck and gobble at the window for a few minutes giving what I can only assume is…a good gobbling to.

But what are they saying? What cosmic message…what lesson are they trying to impart?

Just so happens I speak fluent turkey.  So, in the interest of spreading the word of the bird in order to enlighten the masses, I have decided to share this wisdom with you.

You’re welcome.

“Turkey wasn’t even on the menu at the first Thanksgiving, fool.  How many shows do you have to watch before you get that into your thick pilgrim skull?” 

Yes, of course they’re angry. Honestly, could you blame ’em? And these are Jersey turkeys. They’re a little brusque at times, but they’s good people.

“You know it’s murder, right? Would it kill you to eat veggie lasagna? And make it organic, will ya? Be a little responsible.” 

“Wouldn’t you rather enjoy your holiday? Look, it’s gonna take you all day to cook me. You’ll agonize over things like brining, basting, whether or not I’ll dry out, temperature, level of doneness, carving and then the clean up? Oy! Do you really want to go through all that? Do yourself a favor and get a pizza.” 

What? The “oy”? Do I think turkey’s might be Jewish? It’s possible.

“What’s the matter with you people anyway? Why does it have to be all about the food? Must you obsess about the food? Why can’t it be about getting together and enjoying each other’s company instead of the feast? No? Okay…well…I tried.” 

“Have you seen that Chik Fil-A cow on the street corner with the sign, imploring you to “Eat More Chik-en? Don’t listen to him. He’s just trying to save his own hide. He’s selling us birds out to the highest bidder.  That’s not cool. And besides – why would you want to listen to an anti gay dude dressed in a cow costume? Also? he can’t spell.” 

“I’m hoping I’ll be here all month. Try the veal.” 

“I get the feeling you’re a fair weather friend to my feathered friends. Where’s the love the rest of the year? Huh? Yeah, I guess you have your turkey burgers and your turkey sandwiches, your turkey franks and your turkey bacon. But in November you’re all up in our biznez talking turkey. It’s kinda insincere. Kinda makes you look like those people who only go to church on Christmas. You know, the ones who take up all the parking spaces and the good seats in the first two rows of pews so all the regulars have to sit in the back ’cause they had to circle the parking lot twelve times? You should be ashamed of yourselves.” 

See? They’ve got a lot on their minds and they’re hoping you’ll have even less on your plate.

What Does the Turkey Say?

Photo by Len Blumin / CC BY




  1. November 17, 2013    

    Heheheheh poor turkeys! Have fun dancing 😀

  2. November 17, 2013    

    I hate turkey though I do love the idea of a brusque Jersey turkey…so maybe it’s just the Midwest Turkeys I hate.

    • December 4, 2013    

      Yeah, the Midwest Turkeys are still rooting for the Browns.

  3. November 17, 2013    

    But turkey is so delicious. Especially when roasted with bacon on top.

  4. November 17, 2013    

    Too bad you’re not fluent in cow! I’d love to hear what those homophobic cows have to say for themselves!

    • November 19, 2013    

      I don’t know if I’ll feel slightly guilty or get the giggles when putting turkey on my plate next week!

    • December 4, 2013    

      If I were fluent in cow, I’d be cussing them out for that. Or is that cudding them out? Hope you went with the giggles Lizard Lollies and gobbled away! :)

  5. November 18, 2013    

    Hmm. To have turkey or not-that is the question!

    • December 4, 2013    

      Luckily, Shakespeare never had to worry about this!

  6. November 18, 2013    


    I’m looking forward to my turkey coma during halftime of the Lions and or Cowboys game.


    • December 4, 2013    

      Turkey coma + couch + football = successful Thanksgiving

  7. November 18, 2013    

    In defense of the turkeys, lasagna on Thanksgiving is a kid’s dream come true! I was raised vegetarian and LOVED Thanksgiving Lasagna. As an adult carnivore, I can tell you that my kids detest roasted bird and always pray that one of the relatives will finally bake a mac and cheese casserole as a side.

    • December 4, 2013    

      I love me a good lasagna and I would be down with that 100%. We do it for Christmas Eve and I am so looking forward to that. No turkeys will be harmed in doing so. And baked mac & cheese casserole sounds amazing!

  8. November 18, 2013    

    I grew up eating Mexican food on Thanksgiving.

    Because I don’t like turkey, when I was old enough to start making my own Thanksgiving dinners, I always did a spiral cut ham, mashed potatoes, mac n cheese (Lisa, your kids would love it here!) and corn.

    No yams, cranberry shit, or stuffing blech.

    Pumpkin Cheesecake for dessert.

    • December 4, 2013    

      I would eat Mexican food any time, any day. No problem. Love it. Pumpkin cheesecake – yes please. I make a killer pumpkin cheesecake and everybody in my family wants pumpkin pie. Heavy sigh. And I’m noticing a lot of people do mac & cheese at Thanksgiving and I want to add that to the repertoire!

  9. November 25, 2013    

    Gobble! Happy thanksgiving, Linda!

    • December 4, 2013    

      Thank you Michelle! I’m so behind on replying to the comments on this one, but I hope your Thanksgiving was terrific and that your holiday season is jolly so far! xo

  10. Melissa Swedoski's Gravatar Melissa Swedoski
    November 25, 2013    

    I get the feeling you’re a fair weather friend to my feathered friends. Classic. I often wonder what all the animals would say about us if they could. Probably would include lots of cursing and eye rolling.

    • December 4, 2013    

      Definitely! They’d be all “Yo! Eat more veggies!”

  11. November 25, 2013    

    I totally love the attitude that your turkeys have got going on. Fool…heh heh. It cracks me up when turkeys say fool. And oy.

    And if those turkeys of yours would personally see to it that no one ever hears from that fox again…? I’ll campaign right up until my dying breath to permanently remove anything even remotely associated with “turkey” from Thanksgiving. Let them know, okay?

    • December 4, 2013    

      They’re Jewish turkeys from the ‘hood. I’m down with that. Let’s take the Fox down, my friend!

  12. Ken's Gravatar Ken
    November 26, 2013    

    Guess that’s the price you pay for being so damned tasty? You don’t hear the sweet potatoes complaining.

    • December 4, 2013    

      HAHAHA! Ken! Best comment!! HAHA!

  13. November 4, 2014    

    I’m wondering how you became fluent in turkey. Inquiring minds want to know!

  14. November 4, 2014    

    My son was chased down a trail by a Midwest Turkey! They may not be Jersey-shore, but they know their way around a meth-shack!

  15. November 4, 2014    

    HAHAHHAHA…I love this. And I am still eating turkey on thanksgiving.

  16. November 4, 2014    

    The turkeys where I live travel with nunchuckas

  17. dltolley's Gravatar dltolley
    November 4, 2014    

    Huh. Must be the American turkeys! Canadian turkeys have very little to say. Basically: Ouch! Oh crap I’m caught! And farewell, cruel world! And now, the survivors are strutting around the barnyard feeling very self-important and congratulatory. I’m thinking of starting a rumour that Christmas is coming . . .

  18. Kim's Gravatar Kim
    November 5, 2014    

    I’m fluent in cat rather than turkey so it’s awesome you translated their thoughts for all of us to read. And while I do feel some sympathy for them, the fact is I am still going to gobble up some turkey on Thanksgiving.

  19. November 5, 2014    

    That’s so funny! I’ve always been fascinated by turkeys. Although I am allergic to their feathers and their meat so I don’t eat it.

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