Forget about the fox. I don’t know what he’s talking about. Whole bunch of fools out in the woods dancin’ around in fox costumes talkin’ nonsense. Where it gets real is with the prophetic and life changing words of a member of the poultry posse on death row all through the month of November with no chance of parole, hoping for a reprieve.
What does the turkey say?
We’ve got a small posse of turkeys living and hanging out down the street – at an intersection. If you’re like me, you find a certain meaningful symbolism in that – either because you’ve got way too much time on your hands or you tend to over think everything. I’m guilty of both. I like to think there’s a cosmic reason for everything…man. Anyway, they hang around in their little turkey gang and gobble at the cars going by. Occasionally they block the road and approach the driver’s side window once the car is at a full stop. This is what I refer to as Turkey Bullying. They’ll peck and gobble at the window for a few minutes straight giving what I can only assume is…a good gobbling to.
But what are they saying? What cosmic message…what lesson are they trying to impart?
Just so happens I speak fluent Turkey. So, in the interest of spreading the word of the bird in order to enlighten the masses, I have decided to share this wisdom with you.
“Turkey wasn’t even on the menu at the first Thanksgiving, fool. How many shows do you have to watch before you get that into your thick pilgrim skull?”
-Yes. they’re a little angry. Honestly, could you blame ‘em? And these are Jersey turkeys. They’re a little brusque at times, but they’s good people.
“You know it’s murder, right? Would it kill you (no pun intended) to eat veggie lasagna? And make it organic, will ya? Be a little responsible.”
“Wouldn’t you rather enjoy your holiday? Look – it’s gonna take you all day to cook me. You’ll agonize over things like brining, basting, whether or not I’ll dry out, temperature, level of doneness, carving and then the clean up? Oy! Do you really want to go through all that? Do yourself a favor and get a pizza.”
“What’s the matter with you people anyway? Why does it have to be all about the food? Must you obsess about food? Why can’t it be about getting together and enjoying each other’s company instead of the feast? No? Okay…well…I tried.”
“Have you seen that Chik Fil-A cow on the street corner with the sign, imploring you to “Eat More Chik-en? Don’t listen to him. He’s just trying to save his own hide. He’s selling us birds out to the highest bidder. That’s not cool. And besides – why would you want to listen to a dude who’s anti gay? Also? he can’t spell.”
“I’m hoping I’ll be here all month. Try the veal.”
“I get the feeling you’re a fair weather friend to my feathered friends. Where’s the love the rest of the year? Huh? Yeah, I guess you have your turkey burgers and your turkey sandwiches, but in November you’re all up in our biznez talking turkey this and turkey that. It’s kinda insincere. Kinda makes you look like those people who only go to church on Christmas. You know, the ones who take up all the parking spaces and the good seats in the first two rows of pews so all the regulars have to sit in the back ’cause they had to circle the parking lot twelve times? You should be ashamed of yourself.”
See? They’ve got a lot on their minds and they’re hoping you’ll have even less on your plate. So think about it.
Oh – and if you need me, I’ll be in the woods dancing with the turkeys. They’ve got some moves they wanna show me.