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It’s a Stupid Job, But Somebody’s Gotta Do It

bad_job

I’ve had a lot of stupid jobs. A LOT. And I’ve always wondered how I could get one of those cushy jobs that could be done at home, making my own hours, being my own boss and avoiding all the office politics and bad office parties that I’ve spent years enduring through a plethora of temp jobs and and other cubicle residencies.

I’ve done everything from singing telegrams, to cleaning bathrooms at Wendys before replenishing the salad bar – and that was on manager’s orders, thank you very much. I’ve spent months reorganizing entire corporate filing systems wherein I showed up, they pointed at a full wall of file folders and instructed me to type labels for each folder and alphabetize them all. Shoot me now. My favorite was working at a plastics factory and spending days and weeks in a windowless attic space with no radio reception – the horror – by myself, taping plastic labels into binders. Hundreds of thousands of freaking plastic labels for plastic soda bottles. I think a part of my soul died on that job. And I wince whenever I see a 2 liter of 7Up.

So now I’m noticing a crop of really stupid creative new jobs cropping up. You know, the kind of jobs that make one wonder where someone got the brilliant idea to go into such a line of work and does one go to school for it? Is there an Academy somewhere for Closet Design? And more importantly, how can I get in on this shit and get paid for it?

Yes, there are dirty jobs and there are stupid jobs. Why can’t I find one of the stupid ones that actually isn’t totally abysmal?

Here are some of the stupid/not totally abysmal jobs I found:

1. Life Coach. This one always gets me.  What kind of bullshit Oprah guru job is this? Isn’t it just the equivalent of a therapist? This would never work for me. I can’t stand anyone telling me how to live my life.  Is there a degree in life coaching? What are the tests like? Are there word problems? 

If it’s a recession and Tiffany can’t find a job, and they’re only hiring at Walmart, but she wouldn’t be caught dead inside a Walmart, what should Tiffany do?

a) Apply at Subway.  It might be attached, but at least it’s kind of a separate entity.

b) Move in with her parents. It can’t be as bad as working at Walmart.

c) Get married and have a baby immediately. Hopefully she won’t have to work.

d) I don’t know. It’s Tiffany’s problem. I need coffee. Is there a Starbucks nearby?

2. Home Improvement Expert.  Now who died and made you the blahbiddy blah Home Improvement Expert anyway? Did you grow up watching episodes of This Old House?  Did your Dad drag you to Home Depot every Saturday? Or are you just extremely OCD with a ten year collection of Martha Stewart Living back issues? Dang. That sounds like me. I could apply for this job. And I have an eye for style and a flair for color. Whatdya say I stop by this weekend with my swatches and we talk Home Improvement? Put the coffee on.

3.  Closet Organizer.  I want this job. I really do. I’m OCD, I could get lost for hours in The Container Store. I love putting stuff in stuff and organizing stuff. Frankly, I think if  there are people out there who need to pay someone to tell them where to put their socks, I’m their gal. Right here. Get out the checkbook Mrs. Weintraub, because I’m ready to show you how to separate the pants from the skirts, tri-fold your t shirts like you’ve worked at The Gap all your life and line up your shoes like a seasoned Kardashian. Sure it’ll cost you, but think how your life will be enriched. And also…got coffee?

4.  Digital Lifestyle Expert.  I like to consider myself a digital lifestyle expert. In fact, I impart very valuable knowledge to my kids on a daily basis. You know…stuff like “Get off your butt and do something other than playing video games all day.  But moreover, I know a thing or two about the other side of the coin. Wanna spend your days posting pointless, yet hilarious status updates on Facebook? I can help you with that? Want to entertain strangers with equally pointless yet side splitting witticisms in 140 characters or less? I’ll show you how to tweet like a shut in with a killer sense of humor. Pinterest your thing? You got it. Pin and be pinned. While away the hours looking at pictures of things you’ll never make do, eat, drink, wear or experience! It’s a blast! I’d like some coffee…and Pinterest has endless boards of beautifully appointed coffee photos with recipes. Let’s get crackin’!

5. Blogger.  Oh come. on! People actually make money doing this? Are you kidding? Oh get a life! Sitting around in your basement – clackity clack on your laptop all day, talking about what? What you ate for dinner? Your mother in law? Well…yes!! actually…as a matter of fact. I think this one’s a winner. And…there is coffee involved, right?

14 Comments

  1. February 17, 2014    

    Blogger? Who would get paid for that….oh wait

    “social media expert” is one that drives me crazy. It’s posting stuff on the internet. I should be worth millions by now.

    I would have given cold hard cash to see you do singing telegrams. Next time we hang….

    • February 17, 2014    

      Oh…I’ve got stories about the singing telegram thing. And pictures that hopefully no one will ever see. My favorite was Preggy Peggy. I’d show up in a bridal gown and veil, stage a shotgun wedding and give birth to a monkey with cymbals. Oh yes I did. In public. As my husband winced.

  2. February 17, 2014    

    Love it….you’re hired!!

    • February 17, 2014    

      Excellent! Where’s the coffee? ;)

  3. February 17, 2014    

    I’m holding out for a position as Lotto Millionaire.

    • February 18, 2014    

      Then you could buy LOTS of coffee and I’ll be right over with cake.

  4. February 18, 2014    

    You know, these stupid jobs are replacing real ones – you know, like university professors and whatnot. I personally like El Guapo’s preferred career…

    • February 18, 2014    

      Me too. Let’s get some Lotto tickets.

  5. February 18, 2014    

    The members of Team Netherworld would love to get paid to be bloggers. But considering that nobody even reads our blog, that isn’t bloody likely to happen any time soon!
    Tempest is 49 years old, and a caregiver. She has been a caregiver since 1988. She became burnt out on it many years ago, yet here she still is. It is not as easy as the life coaches say to “just change jobs!” ;-)

    • February 18, 2014    

      Tempest actually did not post The Book Meme. That was The Cheesemeister, who is very snarky. If one enjoys snark, one will very likely enjoy this.

    • February 18, 2014    

      It isn’t, you’re right. So how do those life coaches have it so swanky? Not fair!

  6. February 18, 2014    

    My mom actually paid someone to come to her home and tell her what colour to paint her walls…oh, and where to hang her pictures…like a few inches lower or higher than where they already were. I couldn’t believe it. And my first thought was, “How do I get in on this??!” Crazy.

  7. February 21, 2014    

    I’m going to be a LYFT driver.

  8. February 22, 2014    

    I know a few life coaches, and they’re all complete train wrecks in their personal lives! Ironic, eh?

    I think I want the job of cleaning up after elephants from your photos. I could do that….to hang out with elephants.

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Hi! I'm Linda Roy. My nickname is elleroy. I'm a humorist, musician, writer, mom, and the female Larry David. I'll criticize your parallel parking to prove it. I write about where I've been, what I'm doing and where I'm going. If anybody asks, tell 'em "elleroy was here".

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