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Send In the Clowns – There’s a National Clown Shortage

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This just in: We are in the midst of a national clown shortage.

Really. This is no laughing matter.

The World Clown Association has seen a steady decline in clown numbers since 2004, from 3,500 to 2,500. This is serious.  The Clowns Of America International President Glen Kohlberger – yes, there is a such an organization and they have a president – is worried. It seems that clowns are becoming a thing of the past. The older generation of clowns is dying off and once the up and coming generations get to high school, they feel that clowning is no longer “cool”.  Which begs two questions really:

1. When the older clowns die, are they buried in their clown suits?

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Sad, sad funeral. Also, kinda funny.

and…

2.  Did anyone at any time ever think clowning was cool?

I dunno Glen, do you think it might be that clowns have been scaring the bejeezus out of kids pretty much since Day 1? Is the older generation just a bunch of sadistic…uh…clowns?  If they’re anything like my paternal grandfather who used to sit in his chair and reach out to grab his poor, unsuspecting grandchildren, mercilessly tickling us until we begged for mercy every time we attempted to pass him on our way to the kitchen where our kindly grandmother awaited us with love and pastries as he cackled and coughed up cigar tar and wreaked havoc upon a group of innocents…well then…the answer is a resounding yes.  Sorry. But that man was a clown.

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Day 1 of clowndom was not much better.

My point is…clowns are scary! What Chucky and Stephen King did to change the course of clown-dom forever can not be stressed enough!

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Guns don’t kill. CLOWNS with guns kill.

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Exhibit A

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I’m under your bed. Sweet dreams…

Says the clown president: “Clowning is…put on the back burner until their late 40s and early 50s.”

So…now I’m thinking…as I sit here on the cusp of 50…second career? After all…

have a theatrical background.

have kind of a roundish nose.

recently dyed my hair red.

And drive a cute little car.

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How many clowns can I fit in this vehicle? Take a guess and win a lollipop kiddies!

I’ve always said that after trying my luck at acting, music, photography and writing, the next logical step is clown college. How hard could it be to twist a balloon into the shape of a rhinoceros?

And wait a minute. This is only a problem here in America. Why aren’t the Europeans experiencing this fate? Is that they’ve got that whole Cirque du Soleil thing working for them? Are they just braver? Are their clowns kinder and gentler than ours? Or just way more classy and noir?

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Definitely rockin’ the clown noir.

Listen, I feel like I need to do something to save this dying art form. Don’t you? I mean, the future of balloon animals hangs in the balance! No matter how much we fear these creatures, nothing compares to the unmitigated laughter brought on by stopping at a red light, looking over and seeing a clown in full regalia commandeering the Lincoln Town Car next to you. This is a call to arms! As parents, we owe it to ourselves and the next generation to Save the Clowns! Where’s your sense of activism people? Go on – right now, go into your kids’ rooms, shake them to consciousness and show them a picture of Krusty.  Implore them that it’s not too late. That they too, can be a part of this delightfully twisted legion of pranksters.  Argue your point on a level the kids can identify with.  I mean hey – Slipknot.

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Okay. Maybe knot.

How about KISS then?

Motley Crue And KISS Announce Their Co-Headlining Tour

Shit. No…

C’mon…surely there’s a clown out there that won’t scare the oversize pants off us; that won’t leave us shaking in our oversized red shoes.  Maybe… a girl clown?

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Um…no…this is not what I had in mind.

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Wendy’s meets Ginsu.

So far, I don’t see one balloon animal.

Okay, screw it. Maybe some things are best left to go the way of the dinosaur.

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giddyup

So…send in the clowns. Let’s serve ‘em their pink slips. And then let’s do one final check under the bed.

 

13 Comments

  1. February 18, 2014    

    This topic of clowns has always fascinated me. I used to have that phobia of them….the House of Horrors thing. Clown phobia. But I don’t now!

    • February 18, 2014    

      Me too. Scary, yet fascinating. The articles I found about this are funnier than the actual clowns!

  2. February 18, 2014    

    Thanks. Now, I will have nightmares. ;)

    • February 18, 2014    

      Wasn’t that clown doll just on the chair Natalie? Aaaah!! Now it’s under the bed! ;)

  3. February 18, 2014    

    I saw the alert about the clown shortage scrolling across the news this morning and almost spit my breakfast across the room. Sometimes, it’s just best to let something take it’s natural course to extinction.
    Kinda surprised, though, that Cam from Modern Family hasn’t helped the clown numbers increase. :)

    • February 18, 2014    

      That’s so true! You’d think that would raise clown numbers. It’s the funniest headline, isn’t it?

  4. February 19, 2014    

    I saw a headline about this and thought it would make a funny post. You did a FABULOUS job making it exactly that. Such a bizarre thing, clowning. But, really, what would we do if they all disappeared? We may not even care for them at all, but their extinction is yet another loss of something that once mattered. Like landlines and newspapers delivered by school boys on bikes.

    Great post!

  5. February 19, 2014    

    Clowns are terrifying. And you done a very effective job of detailing this. I’m going to have nightmares now. BTW, the clowns are hiding at my Grandma’s house: http://www.foxywinepocket.com/2014/01/23/send-in-the-clowns-actually-please-dont/

  6. February 19, 2014    

    Oh, hell no! I’ve been afraid of clowns for over 50 years. No lie. I’m not too fond of the puppets that sit on the lap of their ventriloquist. Creepy! Mimes make me want to run for the hills. Seriously, if there is a clown, mime of lap puppet, I’m OUT. Maybe it’s something about hiding your true self. I mean, lets be honest here, nothing good can come from white face makeup and a red nose. Not one damn thing!

  7. February 19, 2014    

    Clowns make me nervous, when will they jump or throw something. OK I am afraid of them but it is sad that more people are not going into the field.

    • February 20, 2014    

      I know. Kinda weird to see something we grew up with drive off in that clown car into the sunset.

  8. February 20, 2014    

    People who are scared of clowns scare me.

    • February 20, 2014    

      But I’m scared of clowns! Nooooooooo!!!!!!!

  1. There Is Nothing More Epic Than Olympic Disappointment - elleroy was here on February 21, 2014 at 9:50 am

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