This just in: We are in the midst of a national clown shortage.

Really. This is no laughing matter.

The World Clown Association has seen a steady decline in clown numbers since 2004, from 3,500 to 2,500. This is serious.  The Clowns Of America International President Glen Kohlberger – yes, there is a such an organization and they have a president – is worried. It seems that clowns are becoming a thing of the past. The older generation of clowns is dying off and once the up and coming generations get to high school, they feel that clowning is no longer “cool”.  Which begs two questions really:

1. When the older clowns die, are they buried in their clown suits?


2.  Did anyone at any time ever think clowning was cool?

I dunno Glen, do you think it might be that clowns have been scaring the bejeezus out of kids pretty much since Day 1? Is the older generation just a bunch of sadistic…uh…clowns?  If they’re anything like my paternal grandfather who used to sit in his chair and reach out to grab his poor, unsuspecting grandchildren, mercilessly tickling us until we begged for mercy every time we attempted to pass him on our way to the kitchen where our kindly grandmother awaited us with love and pastries as he cackled and coughed up cigar tar and wreaked havoc upon a group of innocents…well then…the answer is a resounding yes.  Sorry. But that man was a clown.

My point is…clowns are scary! What Chucky and Stephen King did to change the course of clown-dom forever can not be stressed enough!

Says the clown president: “Clowning is…put on the back burner until their late 40s and early 50s.”

So…now I’m thinking…as I sit here on the cusp of 50…second career? After all…

have a theatrical background.

have kind of a roundish nose.

recently dyed my hair red.

And drive a cute little car.


How many clowns can I fit in this vehicle? Take a guess and win a lollipop kiddies!

I’ve always said that after trying my luck at acting, music, photography and writing, the next logical step is clown college. How hard could it be to twist a balloon into the shape of a rhinoceros?

And wait a minute. This is only a problem here in America. Why aren’t the Europeans experiencing this fate? Is that they’ve got that whole Cirque du Soleil thing working for them? Are they just braver? Are their clowns kinder and gentler than ours? Or just way more classy and noir?

Listen, I feel like I need to do something to save this dying art form. Don’t you? I mean, the future of balloon animals hangs in the balance! No matter how much we fear these creatures, nothing compares to the unmitigated laughter brought on by stopping at a red light, looking over and seeing a clown in full regalia commandeering the Lincoln Town Car next to you. This is a call to arms! As parents, we owe it to ourselves and the next generation to Save the Clowns! Where’s your sense of activism people? Go on – right now, go into your kids’ rooms, shake them to consciousness and show them a picture of Krusty.  Implore them that it’s not too late. That they too, can be a part of this delightfully twisted legion of pranksters.  Argue your point on a level the kids can identify with.  I mean hey – Slipknot.

How about KISS then?

C’mon…surely there’s a clown out there that won’t scare the oversize pants off us; that won’t leave us shaking in our oversized red shoes.  Maybe… a girl clown?

So far, I don’t see one balloon animal.

Okay, screw it. Maybe some things are best left to go the way of the dinosaur.

So…send in the clowns. Let’s serve ’em their pink slips. And then let’s do one final check under the bed.