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Zombie Reality Shows I’d Like To See

zombies-cementerio

Zombies are where it’s at.  Although I’ve been quietly and patiently waiting for the demise of the current trend, (because I’m a drag like that) I am forced to admit that quite possibly, zombies are here to stay.  Here today, gone tomorrow and then back. And back. And back…

I’m too squeamish and can’t get behind zombies, which is better than being in front of them, tripping every few steps, glancing over my shoulder, eyeing a creature creeping ever closer…slowly…yet, somehow still unable to make a clean getaway.

“They’re coming to get you Barbara…”

My first introduction into the Zombieverse was during high school band camp.  All the  freshmen were seated front row, center for a big black and white showing of Night Of the Living Dead.  The film was forwarded and rewound over and over during the burning pickup truck/intestine consumption scene. I “oohed and aahhed” with the best of them, but every time I spy a cemetery on the periphery, it’s “They’re coming to get you Barbara…”. Dammit, Barbara! Why couldn’t you just run? Why’d you have to fall so predictably and stop to look, all “here they come…”?

So I have to wonder how I can possibly jump onto the zombie wagon at this point? I’m pushing 50. I like a good pop culture trend, but I feel like signing up for this one would be akin to getting on the vampire boat and that ship has sailed.  I’m so not Twilight material.

My husband is cooler than I am.  He’s over 50 and a card carrying member of The Walking Dead legion. I can’t. I just can’t. It’s stressful, it’s violent, it’s icky. I really tried. But five minutes in, it was all shooting and “Brains…” and lobbing off body parts with blunt objects. Can’t we just have a kinder, gentler zombie phenomenon for those of us with a lower tolerance for chaotic life and death circumstances? I’m willing to put up with a smidgeon of gore, but can’t we water this shit down?

I have a few suggestions. I’m willing to help brainstorm for the cause.  I think a zombie reality show would be the perfect marriage of reality meets un-reality.

Zombie Bachelor - One ridiculously hot zombie and twenty young, beautiful and totally  available zombie ladies vying for his affections. The hot tub sequences are problematic, because hot water and severed limbs… and when he loses his tongue down one woman’s throat, choking her, it’s no bed of roses.  But by the elimination round when he asks “Will you accept this earlobe?” it’s pure magic. And when he finally chooses a bride, it’s for life. And life. And life.

The Real AfterWorld: Apocalypse - 7 zombies. Picked to be undead in a house. To see what happens when things stop being polite…and start getting real.  Set to an edgy soundtrack, tempers flair and heads roll. Quite literally.

Survivor – Zombie - What do you mean “what’s the point because they all survive”? It’s the journey, not the destination.

The Real Zombies Of Atlanta - Cat fights, lavish homesteads and all out stylish diva war! And during the reunion episode, they get to eat Andy Cohen’s brains. So worth it.

Project Zombie – “With my looks and your brains, I could go somewhere!” This group of Zombie-nistas make it work for the opportunity to show at Forest Park. Cemetery.

Shark/Zombie Week - Eat or be eaten.

Top Chef Zombie - Hosted by Anthony Bourdain, who knew there were so many variations for cooking organ meat?

I don’t know about you, but I’d give an arm and a leg to watch any of these.

24 Comments

  1. February 19, 2014    

    I’m not a zombie fan, either. However, I did watch “World War Z” and those zombies were FAST! And by “watch” I mean that the movie was playing while I was in the house, and I kept finding projects to complete like giving my son a bath, and while he was bathing, I read online how the movie ended before actually watching the end with my husband because I’m squeamish, too.

    • February 21, 2014    

      That’s how far out of the zombie loop I am! I had no idea they were fast. Old school zombies are slow. But that just heightens the fear, meaning there’s no way I can do it.

  2. February 19, 2014    

    I watched the first season of The Walking Dead by myself when I was sick, and it was a mistake. I was horrified and jumping at every noise. But I kept watching, because I like to punish myself.

    • February 21, 2014    

      You are braver than I, my friend. I can’t do it. Nope.

  3. February 19, 2014    

    Zombies are my least favorite monster. I do admit to liking vampires in True Blood, campy but fun show. And what’s with all the fast zombies now? Zombies are supposed to be slow as far as I am concerned. I recently saw a movie that I was surprised how much I enjoyed, Shaun of the Dead, a funny twist on the zombie movie, but with plenty of ick-factor too (not that I like that). One of my teenage sons and I both liked it. The other one left creeped out.

    • February 21, 2014    

      Oh, Shaun Of the Dead is hilarious!

  4. February 19, 2014    

    I’m a fan of all things gory, and I must admit I was the most amazing/disgusting zombie for Halloween! haha. I had holes in my face and everything. It. Was. Awesome.
    And the craziest thing? I’ve only seen one episode of The Walking Dead. It’s not even like I’m a huge fan of zombies, per say, but it doesn’t bother me that we’re on some crazy zombie trend lately. I just appreciate a monster I guess. Any monster. Especially a vampire (but not the sparkly kind or Lizzi will berate me for years!)

    Love this post, Linda! Very clever and funny. I was grinning throughout. Poor Andy! haha! And zombies in the hot tub….EW.

    • February 21, 2014    

      I’m a total wimp! I need to water down my zombie action. lol

  5. February 19, 2014    

    I’m with you. I am so not into zombies or the apocalypse or anything like that. i don’t know, somehow i missed that ship. although, top chef zombie and zombie bachelor… you may be on to something.

    • February 21, 2014    

      Right? How much fun would that be? ;)

  6. February 19, 2014    

    I’m not into zombies, but your TV show ideas sound more appealing than the originals. I would sooner stab myself in the eye with a rusty fork than watch any of the original shows.

    • February 21, 2014    

      No! Put down the fork Vanessa! Real World Zombie is about to start. Look! I popped popcorn.

  7. February 19, 2014    

    Ha! Some of my husband’s relatives are buried in a hillside cemetary just like the one in Night of the Living Dead. Freaked me out when we went there.

    I love your prospective TV shows. My best laugh of the day.

    • February 21, 2014    

      Haha! My grandparents are in a place like that. And they play the most creepy organ music all throughout the cemetery too. Creepy…

  8. February 20, 2014    

    I’m a fan of The Walking Dead but a HUGE (since they both debuted) fan of Survivor and Top Chef! That would be so cool…plus Top Chef would get totally wild with all of the kitchen utensils and knives! Awesome, Linda! :)

    • February 21, 2014    

      Yeah, ya know? Weapons! This is getting good… ;)

  9. February 20, 2014    

    You are too funny. I always look forward to your posts! I have to say, I love all things gory and horror and so on, but zombies just don’t do it for me. I couldn’t even make it through one episode of The Walking Dead. I can hear the gasps of disbelief as I write that!

    • February 21, 2014    

      Thanks Deanna! :) So the zombies don’t do it for ya huh? Well, you know, I can see that, because actually, they’re annoying. There. I said it. Zombies are annoying. All the “Brains” and the leg dragging. I mean, get it together, undead people!

  10. February 20, 2014    

    I would totally watch Zombie Bachelor and Zombie Top Chef, although for some reason I’d prefer Zombie Padma to Zombie Anthony Bourdain. Maybe because he seems like he would be too fond of being a zombie; I don’t know. At any rate, this was a really fun post. I, however, admit loving zombie culture. I so look forward to the Zombie Pub Crawl in Minneapolis every year, and have blogged about it several times. I actually have a Guiness World Record certificate for being part of the world’s largest gathering of zombies in 2012. :)

    • February 21, 2014    

      You’re right. Bourdain would SO enjoy being a zombie and eating organ meat. And the zombie pub crawl, sounds like a blast!

  11. February 20, 2014    

    Zombie Bachelor? Now there’s a show that I would watch.

    • February 21, 2014    

      Wouldn’t the “meeting the parents” weekends be hilarious?

  12. February 20, 2014    

    I LOVE The Walking Dead. I was utterly freaked by World War Z. Alternatively, I found Night of the Living Dead absolutely TERRIFYING. Go figure.

    I’d watch just about all of your show ideas, by the way.

    • February 21, 2014    

      Night Of the Living Dead in black and white, no less. That movie was so well done, it is just terrifying!

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