Tomorrow will be my two year blogaversary and believe it or not, this is the first time I’ve ever featured a guest post on the blog. Why? I don’t know. I should’ve done this earlier. Especially because the blogger who has agreed to do the honors has been a dear friend pretty much from the beginning of my time here in the blogosphere. She’s funny, edgy, clever and real. She’s not afraid to tell it like it is and she does it so well. She keeps me real too. When I started soliciting votes for Babble’s Top 100 Bloggers’ List, she said to me “I’ll vote for you, but what the hell are you doing?”. She was right. I got like 12 votes. She knew it wasn’t my bag, and it wasn’t. That’s not why I do this and it never will be and it isn’t for her either. Every time I read her stuff I think “man, I wish I had the guts to say that.” and I laugh my ass off. I love and respect the hell out of her. So, please welcome the wi-cked-ly ta-len-ted, one and only, Donna Maysack of Pass the Stuffing…Have You Seen Her Blog?
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) lists currently recognized mental health disorders. I applied them to my life:
Adjustment Disorder: Getting used to not to punching people in the face.
Acute Stress Disorder: When the jeans that fit as tho tailored for your butt cost $380.
Adult Antisocial Behavior: Me
Adverse Effects Of Medication: When you accidentally take your sleeping pills at work or are pulled over doing 85 in a 30.
Age-Related Cognitive Decline: When you can’t find your glasses, purse, keys, remote, house or car.
Claustrophobia Without History Of Panic Disorder: Sleeping with 3 kids in a king-sized bed.
Alcohol-Related Disorder: Sounds tempting.
Antisocial Personality Disorder: When you want to punch people in the face.
Avoidant Personality Disorder: Buying without checking the price.
Binge Eating Disorder: This is a disorder? Uh-oh.
Borderline Intellectual Functioning: I don’t know what this is, but am pretty sure my 2nd ex suffers from it.
Brief psychotic disorder: When you’re insane only half the day.
Cannabis-related disorder: My 1st ex has this.
Catatonic Disorder: See Claustrophobia Without History Of Panic.
Clinical Depression: Life without a Mac.
Communication Disorder: See Clinical Depression.
Delusional Disorder: Wanting to be like Mrs. Duggar
Dementia: Thinking your kids will want to.
Dependent Personality Disorder: The inability to watch TV without a remote.
Disruptive Behavior Disorder: Dinner at our house.
Dissociative Amnesia: I don’t have this, but think I want it..
Dissociative Identity Disorder: Forgetting I wish I were Angelina Jolie.
Expressive Language Disorder: FUCK!!!!!
Feeding Disorder Of Infancy Or Early Childhood: When it takes 3 hours for them to finish dinner.
Female Sexual Arousal Disorder: Caused by hating your husband.
Fetishism: A tale, mom and Mac.
General Adaptation Syndrome: When your son takes up the drums.
Hallucinogen-Related Disorder: Haven’t experienced this since I was a teen.
Hygenic Disorder: Showering less than once a week.
Impulse Control Disorder: When Adjustment Disorder fails.
Intermittent Explosive Disorder: See above.
Kleptomania: A tail, dog and flip-flop.
Major depressive episode: Waiting for iPhone 5.
Mathematics disorder: Having to check the 2nd grade math answer book.
Medication-Related Disorder: Not having enough drugs or high enough dosages.
Motor Skills Disorder: Not being able to resist punching people in the face.
Nightmare Disorder: Loose rodents.
Occupational Problem: I’m sick of workin.
OMFGD: Catching your 5 year old chewing on your Coach bag strap (I made this one up).
Oppositional Defiant Disorder: My dog.
Parent-Child Relational Problem: Keeping them from wrestling in church.
Partner Relational Problem: Not anymore.
Personality Change Due To Medication Disorder: I’m hoping.
Personality Disorder: What’s your point?
Phase Of Life Problem: When your son’s in jail.
Phonological Disorder: Can’t find my cell and it makes no sense.
Polysubstance-Related Disorder: Allergy to polyester?
Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder: I married him??!!
Separation Anxiety Disorder: When the chocolates gone.
Sexual Desire Disorder: See above in “F”
Shared Psychotic Disorder: When your friends are crazy too.
Sibling Relational Problem: We have a few.
Social Phobia: Refusing to stand in line.
Specific Phobia: Filling out forms.
Tourette’s Disorder: Having no control over what you say to other Wal-Mart customers.
Voyeurism: Window shopping at the Apple store.