Have you seen those drawings that that girl did depicting pretty damn accurately what an acid trip is like? I mean, I wouldn’t know….uh…I just hear stuff, ya know?
So it got me to thinking; what if I did a “study” of pot smoking in a series of drawings? You know, purely for scientific reasons of course, because, medical marijuana. In other words: These are your colored pencils and your art paper on drugs. Any questions?
I learned it by watching you!
Yeah, I’m aware of how it looks. You’re all saying to yourselves “Ohhhhh….I get it! She’s a musician and you know what that means. They’re always taking drugs, sleeping on people’s couches, mooching tip money off their friends when they go out to eat and spending all day at the all you can eat joint up the street. And you’d be so spot on about all that. For instance, did you know that Henry Rollins used to fill up a whole tray at the buffet, fully eschewing that stupid, useless dinner plate? Those things are way too small anyway and they’re doing that on purpose, those bastards! The MAN is not gonna keep me from getting my seconds and thirds on the first trip. I mean, who wants to keep getting up and walking over there? Not me. Precious time is lost that way. And time is money. Well, not in my case, but you get the idea.
So here it is; my purely scientific study of what happens when you smoke pot. Pay attention kids. It ain’t pretty.
1. The overzealous hit, followed by the uncontrollable cough.
You’re here for a good time and you’d like that good time to begin now. So why not inhale as deeply as possible, really wake up those lungs and say to them “Take this fucking lungs! Yes! Yes, I do inhale!”
Because this is funny. In fact everything is funny; funnier than anything you’ve ever experienced in your entire life. You see movies you previously thought were stupid in an entirely new way! Yes, now you get it! You get everything! The joke is on everybody else, my friend. You see things a whole lot clearer now, if you could only remember what those things were.
3. The “I Can Do Anything” Moment.
That moment when you realize that you are super charged with the ability to be, do and create way better than ever before because you are unencumbered by your inhibitions which were previously there to remind you that you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. This is not to be confused with low self esteem. It’s just the safety net that prevents you from making a complete ass of yourself in public. Like, remember the time you got up on your boss’s living room table at the office Christmas party and insisted on re-enacting scenes from “Celtic Woman”? Wasn’t that great?!
Don’t do it. I know you want to, I know you think your jokes are funnier and everybody’s gonna think so too. You’re gonna be the hero today, boy, because you’ve got the status lines to beat all status lines, but trust me, you’re gonna forget about Aunt Mabel and your son’s preschool teacher from three years ago and the PTO class mom you forgot to unfriend after last year because you just know she’ll think you’re a skank and let’s face it, you kind of are. Just don’t do it.
It starts with the pizza. It always starts with the pizza. Once you get over the initial hurdle of actually finding a pizza place, calling them, coherently ordering, getting the words out despite the fact that your tongue is nailed to the roof of your mouth and you sound like Mush Mouth from Fat Albert, and remembering your own address, all while laughing hysterically, you’re only 20 minutes to a half hour away from pure satisfaction.
Did I say pure satisfaction? Yeah, not really. Because as soon as you finish that pizza, you’re gonna keep looking and that’s when you hit the cupboards and find the Queen Mother of all stoner satisfaction – second only to the pizza you just inhaled. Par-tay size! And hell no, you’re not sharing. “Get your own damn bag of Doritos! This is my house! What? You brought the…well shit man, they were a hostess gift! You bring a bottle of wine, you don’t expect to drink it, bitch!” I think Martha Stewart once said that.”
It already kicked in about the time you ordered the pizza. You knew that they knew and you knew that they knew, you knew. Especially when the delivery guy got there. Did you see the way he looked at you? Especially when you fumbled with your wallet for a solid ten minutes trying to scrape together, count, recount and then count again the twelve bucks you owed him. Oh, and plus, he didn’t speak English. You think it was some sort of Vulcan speak. He just looked suspicious, ya know? Maybe he’s out there. You know, waiting? Maybe all the pizza places know we’re gonna call them, so the Vulcans, who are trying to take over the Universe are all getting jobs there, so that when you or any other stoned person calls them, they can just come to your house while you’re all compromised and shit, and wait for the perfect moment to drag you out of your house, into the Mother Ship and use you for scientific Vulcan experiments. Better not leave the house, bro. I’m just sayin’.
8. False Sense Of Existentialism.
Suddenly the world, all the people in it and your very existence makes perfect sense. So much sense. And you want to talk about it. You want to share these newfound realizations with those around you. It doesn’t matter that they’re laughing at you. Well, it kind of does. But see, they just don’t get it. Not like you do. They’re not as evolved and in touch with their inner being as you are right now. And right now you’re probably thinking about how everything is stupid and pointless, like jobs and school and money. I mean, what do we need money for, anyway? Besides pizza. All you need is love man! Isn’t that what the Beatles have been singing about on a constant loop on your iPod for the last hour? It all makes perfect sense now! It’s all happening. For a reason! And by the way, is there any more of that cake in the refrigerator?
9. The Come Down To Harsh Reality, Followed By The Ugly Cry.
Because what goes up must come down, you’re gonna realize that all the things you just realized are the realization of all the pain in the world; primarily your pain. God damn, but you never realized how miserable you were. All your relationships are shit, you hate your job, you never got along with your mother – hell, these friends you’re partying with are all mocking you now. The Man is out to get you, you’ve been wasting your life, the George Carlin jokes you’ve been quoting for the last half hour are bumming you out because George is gone, man. Dead. Just like that. And John Lennon, And Nelson Mandela. And Mother Theresa, and your dog Fluffy. And God damn, you loved that dog. Poor little guy. Now he’s in a cigar box in your closet. Holy shit! What if his soul is in there trying to get out. Better go let the dog out…who let the dog out? Who? Who? Who? Oh – hahahahahaha! Aw, I’m sorry Fluffy…I’m not laughing at you. Don’t come back and kill me in my sleep. Better not let the dog out.
10. The Pass Out.
Let’s face it. All this eating, and laughing and existentialism and paranoia and solving of the world’s problems and grief have worn you the fuck out. You feel like a squirrel is living in your mouth and you’re so tired and…zzzzzzzz