funny with a soundtrack

The Conscious Uncoupling of an Unconscious Coupling of aTotally Self Conscious Couple

14919586109_da6eb98ef8_z-2I’ve gotta tell ya – I’ve wondered what took him this long? I mean, right? How to live with this insufferable, beyond all reasonable depths of pretension, GOOP Princess?

GAH!

What say you, people? Are you as rocked to your very apple core as I am (not) by their recent shocking “conscious uncoupling”? And by the way, you know she came up with that shit.

Wait – what? She instigated this? You mean he wanted to work things out? At all costs? Dude! You must be some kind of saint, because honestly, who could stand it any longer?

In an emotional statement posted on Gwynie GOOP’s website, the uncoupling was laid bare for the serfs fans.

Here ye! Here ye! 

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and co-parent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Love,
Gwyneth & Chris

Wait…just give me a momentI’m all verklempt. Tissue? Where is MY TISSUE?!? No, no, NO! I said, I wanted the tissues made from recycled hemp seedlings, not this – what do you call it? – Kleenex! This cannot dry my tears in a sustainable fashion. Be gone, you rube – youyou…philistine.

Alright, anyway, where were we? Oh, calm down, of course I’m upset for their children, Granny Smith and oh…what was it?…you know…burning bush….tablets, commandments, yada, yada…? Yeah, it’s never a good thing, obviously, when 9 and 7 year old children have their lives shattered by divorce, and let’s face it – it hasn’t been easy for these kids ever since they were named, right? And then their mother almost killed them weaving around public transport on a scooter and well, it just can’t be easy having GOOPY for a mum.

“Apple! Moses! Come down to the draw-ring room and recite your passages from Lao Tzu that Mummy circled in organic fair trade ink for you last night.”

Oy, Apple. Oy, Moses.

So what happened? What went wrong in Paradise? Was Chris’s foreplay more coldplay? Is the conscious uncoupling a reaction to an unconscious coupling? Did he even know what he was doing when they got married? Was he in some sort of haze at the time? ‘Cause it was all Yellow. I think the Clocks were probably ticking from the beginning and it’s finally struck Midnight y’all. Her constant chatter to him about “I’ma Fix You,” was probably for naught, and while Life In Technicolor was a real excellent trip for Chris, I’ll bet he said to himself quite a few times “I’ve been put right In My Place by this woman.”.  I mean, you could tell there was Trouble. We all Talk. And even though he probably felt Lost at times, being married to her had to be a Major Minus, because We Never Change, do we? I wish he’d seen The Warning Sign. And it makes me Shiver, because that’s The Hardest Part, really. The Message was never sent from Her lips to Chris’s ears and the whole relationship went straight to Kingdom Come.  She was probably all “Chris, I’m simply dying over here from boredom.” And “we simply must get out of LA, the dinner conversation is decidedly not stimulating enough for me.”

What once was Magic has disappeared, seemingly in The Speed Of Sound. The sound of one hand clapping in the cosmos or some shit.

I weep for them both. I truly do. Every Teardrop a Waterfall of anguish and despair. I simply cannot go on.

And so…I shall throw myself down upon my 5,000 thread count fair trade, organic, micro, macro sustainable duvet and cry tears of protest for this most egregious uncoupling. For it simply is not meant to be that these two creatures of the universe must part in such an unmanifested manner.

Reports say that Chris was “desperate” to keep their marriage going and is “devastated”.  I hope you’ll forgive me, British friends, but in Britain, doesn’t “desperate” mean “kinda trying” and “devastated” is “kinda sad”? I don’t know – you guys have elevated exaggeration to the most awesome art form,  and when I say “awesome”, that’s American for really kinda cool.

In any event – and this is totally a massive event. (Again, massive being British for kind of a big deal.) And irony is but a cold plate of tofu in this case, because like so many things in life that Gwynie finds most distasteful, her own marriage was also not sustainable.

19 Comments

  1. March 26, 2014    

    Maybe Martin will finally make some music that doesn’t completely suck.

    Does this mean their little girl can petition a judge to get a real name other than apple?

    • March 26, 2014    

      I’m not holding my breath ’til I’m Yellow, but you never know. And man, they should set up a court just for kids of celebs who get saddled with ridunkulous names.

  2. March 26, 2014    

    Aw. I think I’ll go cry in my pillow.
    Or not.

    • March 26, 2014    

      That pillow had better be 5,000 thread count recycled hemp. Just sayin’.

  3. March 26, 2014    

    There is no person who could have done this more justice than you. Well done My Lady, Well Done Indeed!

    • March 26, 2014    

      Why thank you very much, Good Lady Alyson. Will you be coming ’round for tea later? The conversation had better be stimulating! ;)

  4. March 26, 2014    

    SPOT ON! And …Sustainable! Fair! Traded! (see what I did there?)

    • March 26, 2014    

      I do indeed! High fivin’ ya in honor of The Uncoupling Of the Century!

  5. March 26, 2014    

    I have to stop reading you at work. It seems to disturb my coworkers when I snort derisively for no apparent reason. You are the snark mistress as always, but this is one of your best.

    No doubt Gwennie will soon have GOOPy advice for single moms who are just getting by, like how to eat sustainably on a PB&J budget.

    • March 26, 2014    

      Meg? What are you laughing at? That four alarm fire on Exchange Street or the domestic dispute on Main?

  6. March 26, 2014    

    Wow! I didn’t even know about this Awesomely Massively Monumental EVENT! Where have I been? Hahahaha! Thanks for reminding me why I don’t keep up with tabloid news!

    • March 26, 2014    

      It’s the Uncoupling Of the Century! Where ya been?! ;) Actually, I try not to pay attention to this stuff either, but it was foisted upon me this morning under the guise of real news, and I also find that this stuff is pure gold. I can’t make this shit up.

  7. CC's Gravatar CC
    March 26, 2014    

    You have the gift of sarcasm like no one else and I LOVE sarcasm, so you rock :-)

    • March 26, 2014    

      Thank you! I couldn’t live without sarcasm. I mean I really couldn’t; I live in Jersey.

  8. March 27, 2014    

    I can’t figure out why, but I left a comment on here yesterday about this because I thought your post was hilarious (and dead on). I especially like the little thought bubbles above their heads up top :) LOL. I have been getting GOOP for about a year now and can NOT stand her at this point. She’s so full of herself and her suggestions are all so over the top, I mean who can afford to stay at the places she suggests other than a rock star or movie star?! I’m really not surprised that he finally just got out, I have a feeling it’s a mutual thing but the whole conscious uncoupling cracks me up. Let’s call a divorce, a divorce guys. Thanks for making me laugh.

    • March 27, 2014    

      I was having trouble with my comments; some people’s comments weren’t going through. So I got rid of the version I was using and now it seems to be working – fingers crossed! Thanks for coming back and thanks for the compliment. I read that he’s actually devastated and she’s the one who called for the divorce. I can’t believe he could really put up with her for so long, but to be blunt, the sex must be amazing or something.

  9. March 27, 2014    

    I was on the phone with a friend discussing this very subject yesterday, and it’s as if you heard our conversation and made it a post! Except, we didn’t brilliantly weave all the titles of Chris’s songs in our convo. *tips hat* Well done, Linda!

  10. March 28, 2014    

    Linda, holy shit, this was perfection. I love you!! (Not saying that I want to consciously couple with you, just saying I like your style, dude.)

  11. March 30, 2014    

    I actually liked Coldplay’s early stuff. Then I hated their stuff. Now maybe I’ll like it again.

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