Remember when your mother read you Mother Goose nursery rhymes as a kid? Remember how they scared the shit out of you? What was up with all the sinister storytelling and why was it supposed to be for children?

Naturally, we all nostalgically got our own volume of nursery rhymes to regale our own children with tales that would undoubtedly keep them awake at night.  But it dawned on me at some point while reading  my son the one about the giant clumsy egg, that as adults, we have our own disturbing nursery rhymes called news and current events.

In my first volume of nursery rhymes, I delved into some of life’s insanity, but I feel I’ve only scratched the surface. And so, I give you Volume 2. This ain’t your mama’s Mother Goose. Uh-uh. This is Mother Goosed: Nursery Rhymes For Modern Times.

Conscious Uncoupling 

How long would it be ’til Chris Martin would flee

We all waited with much baited breath

Alas, reports came – most troubling

Of the famed “conscious uncoupling”

Of Chris Martin and Princess Gwyneth

The reigning schmaltzy Pop Earl

And Hollywood’s “IT” girl

Were finally calling it quits

She announced it at GOOP

We all went “Whoop! Whoop!”

And on came the media blitz

More than not, we just laughed

She’s a pretentious ass

Not a shred of sympathy between us

Another celebrity split

He’s a puss, she’s a twit

He’s the Mars, she’s the Organic Venus

Was kanoodling to blame

Or the pressure of fame

Was his foreplay more Coldplay

What extinguished the flame

A grandiloquent air

Do we really care

Both these GOOP balls are prob’ly to blame

Let’s hope Moses and Apple are able to grapple

The reality that’s now laid before ’em

And perhaps change their names

To something less lame

Maybe this time, let’s call in a quorum

The moral to this story

Of superfluous glory:

Some things don’t end happily

Instead, quite organically

What’s easily attainable

Is not always sustainable

So next time you think

The stars live in the pink

Before you go green

Remember – they’re not so clean

Their laundry is hung on life’s line

Just be glad as you are

Drink a toast to the stars

Whose problems are more fucked than thine

Castrating Pigs 

There’s a campaigning Iowa Senator

Who shared a disturbing and kooky non sequitur

She said her farm life experience

Would prove her imperious

Taking aim at Obamacare

She actually “went there”

And with the diggiest of digs

She likened budget cuts to castrating pigs

“Washington’s full of big spenders, so let’s make ’em squeal”

Said Joni Ernst with inexplicable zeal

And after watching her bizarre TV appeal

We’re asking ourselves, “Is this bitch for real?”

She tells us she knows how to trim all the fat

She’s promised to bring home the bacon

But politicians like this are not where it’s at

We might as well elect boobs like Clay Aiken

So Iowa, when you vote, don’t choose Ernst

Because that’d be the absolute wurst

For pork roll does not equal bank roll

So don’t allow yourself to be coerced

Plus, you know what else makes her so failin’?

She’s endorsed by that nut Sarah Palin

If Ernst wants to cut pork

She should go to New York

If she’s all about making politics leaner

She should castrate Anthony Weiner

The Tale Of Jon & Kate Plus 8

There once were some Gosselins named Jon and Kate

They had two girls, which they both thought was great

But Kate wanted one more, and she won that debate

So she had IVF, and soon there were eight

Her hands not quite full enough, she sent off a tape

With hopes that reality TV stardom would lie in her wait

TLC came a calling – so much on the G’s plate

Their new show was called Jon & Kate Plus 8

They trotted out their offspring to wondrous acclaim

They traveled the world and amassed reality star fame

They got their teeth whitened

They both bought new clothes

They made public appearances

They worked it like pros

They went to Hawaii to renew their vows

These two raised the stakes

We raised our eyebrows

The focus, it seemed was on Kate, not the 8

And what’s worse – she and Jon always bickered

He, a befuddled ass

She a stark raving bitch

With each episode the audience snickered

The Gosselins counted their years in seasons

For they had themselves 8 little reasons

Pretty soon these two goofballs were rich

Then the two cried “divorce”

He hit the golf course

While she hit the talk show circuit

She pouted and preened for tabloid magazines

And to the best of her ability she worked it

She did Dancing With the Stars

He bussed tables at bars

And the kids, well…they went back and forth

Kate got the big house

Now that she had de-spoused

She blamed him and milked it for all she was worth

The eldest two became teens and Kate said “Let them speak

they’ll tell you the truth!”

So on live national TV while Kate freaked

they just stared and said nothing – the two became mute

Which makes us all clamor

were they forced all along

To perform for the cameras

So Kate could amass a dubious throng

Did Jon really want to chase young pretty chicks

Or could he just not stand that miserable bitch

It’s easily summed up with reality math

The tale of Jon’s dufus-ity and Kate’s massive wrath

To begin, you have two

Then two more, that makes four

Add six to the mix and you have fourteen

(And for that, you need a lot of caffeine)

But to narrow it down, you have Jon, Kate plus 8

You take away Jon

You have Kate, plus the 8

And when you do what Kate wanted and brush off the 8

What you are left with is Kate

And what most of us feel for her

Which is borderline hate

With reality TV

There’s so much we don’t see

It hardly ever ends happily

There’s divorce and suicide, lawsuits and ruin

With little reality in the pot that they stew in

Me? I can’t wait ’til the 8 write a “tell all”

About how Mommy & Daddy were eager to sell out.

Photo by merwinglittledear / CC BY