There’s a yoga studio in New York City called Bold & Naked.  You guessed it – naked yoga. It started with naked yoga for men, then it became available for women and now there are co-ed classes. They’re supposedly meant to be “sensual” and not “sexual” and touching’s a no-no, but if men get aroused, that’s “okay” – no need to be embarrassed.

Alrighty.  I just hope everybody brings their own mats.

Some advantages according to members at Bold & Naked:

  • you don’t have to worry about what you’re going to wear
  • everybody’s the same
  • there’s a real sense of “community”
  • it’s fun!
  • participants are able to focus more on their “core being” and open themselves up to others

I’ll say.  You’re opening up your legs, your butt cheeks…a whole host of nasty stuff. You wanna grab a spot behind the 80 year old guy who can’t stop farting? Knock yourself out. Which, by the way, you might do if you’re over 40 and at the sagging stage, if you know what I mean. I don’t need anyone downward facing dogging me while I’m getting my yoga on, and sorry, as open minded as I consider myself to be, I’d rather namastay clothed, thanks.  I’m not in the mood to get a fateful of somebody else’s bun salutation; there’s nothing spiritual about that for me. I don’t have that much need for “community”, ya know?

I like to think of myself as a fairly evolved individual. But I can’t think of even one positive thing about this. Unless Johnny Depp signs up. And then I’d be too distracted trying to read his 32 tattoos, among other distractions, of course.

Let’s get something straight. I don’t want to see anything I can reach out and yank while you’re doing a plank. Your one legged king pigeon needs to stay in the cage, because I don’t want to see a third leg. Keep the cobra tamed or I’ll spend the entire class in the child pose with my face buried in my vile smelling yoga mat. I’ve heard of penetrating poses, but this is ridiculous.

I think they should change the name of the studio to The Bold & The Nudie-ful. But that’s just me.

What do you think? Wouldn’t it be terribly awkward? What if you ran into your neighbor? Literally? You know how the mats are always so close together and you swing your arms around and hit each other? There’s always some old guy on the mat next to you passing wind. (Well there is, in my unfortunate universe.) Also, you’re getting the view from behind, plus whatever’s staring back at you in the mirror. That’s way too much information.

Not to worry! If you feel uncomfortable with a classroom full of naked people, they offers one on one classes called “privates”.  Clever, huh? How awkward would that be?  To me, it would be a bit like going to my old psychiatrist with the lazy eye. You tried really hard not to look, but you kept looking at that eye. And when you weren’t, you were probably both painfully aware of how much you were trying not to look.

But you know, if you’re the type who’s not really phased by much, how about a tantric yogassage? That should be “sensual” without being “sexual”, right? Sting, anyone?

They do offer clothed classes and half naked classes in case you’re not quite ready to bare your buns along with your soul.

The yogis on the website have expressions on their faces that challenge you to show up and let it all hang out. They’re almost defiant about it; which is a little disarming. Or at least disrobing.

A higher sense of self awareness is something the website focuses on a lot. Personally, I could do with a little less self awareness, thanks.

In any case, Boo Boo – this is not your average bare.

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Yogi Bare?

Photo Judyth Greenburgh