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Yogi Bare? Naked Yoga

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There’s a yoga studio in New York City called Bold & Naked.  You guessed it – naked yoga. It started with naked yoga for men, then it became available for women and now there are co-ed classes. They’re supposedly meant to be “sensual” and not “sexual” and touching’s a no-no, but if men get aroused, that’s “okay” – no need to be embarrassed.

Alrighty.  I just hope everybody brings their own mats.

Some advantages according to members at Bold & Naked:

  • you don’t have to worry about what you’re going to wear
  • everybody’s the same
  • there’s a real sense of “community”
  • it’s fun!
  • participants are able to focus more on their “core being” and open themselves up to others

I’ll say.  You’re opening up your legs, your butt cheeks…a whole host of nasty stuff. You wanna grab a spot behind the 80 year old guy who can’t stop farting? Knock yourself out. Which, by the way, you might do if you’re over 40 and at the sagging stage, if you know what I mean. I don’t need anyone downward facing dogging me while I’m getting my yoga on, and sorry, as open minded as I consider myself to be, I’d rather namastay clothed, thanks.  I’m not in the mood to get a fateful of somebody else’s bun salutation; there’s nothing spiritual about that for me. I don’t have that much need for “community”, ya know?

I like to think of myself as a fairly evolved individual. But I can’t think of even one positive thing about this. Unless Johnny Depp signs up. And then I’d be too distracted trying to read his 32 tattoos, among other distractions, of course.

Let’s get something straight. I don’t want to see anything I can reach out and yank while you’re doing a plank. Your one legged king pigeon needs to stay in the cage, because I don’t want to see a third leg. Keep the cobra tamed or I’ll spend the entire class in the child pose with my face buried in my vile smelling yoga mat. I’ve heard of penetrating poses, but this is ridiculous.

I think they should change the name of the studio to The Bold & The Nudie-ful. But that’s just me.

What do you think? Wouldn’t it be terribly awkward? What if you ran into your neighbor? Literally? You know how the mats are always so close together and you swing your arms around and hit each other? There’s always some old guy on the mat next to you passing wind. (Well there is, in my unfortunate universe.) Also, you’re getting the view from behind, plus whatever’s staring back at you in the mirror. That’s way too much information.

Not to worry! If you feel uncomfortable with a classroom full of naked people, they offers one on one classes called “privates”.  Clever, huh? How awkward would that be?  To me, it would be a bit like going to my old psychiatrist with the lazy eye. You tried really hard not to look, but you kept looking at that eye. And when you weren’t, you were probably both painfully aware of how much you were trying not to look.

But you know, if you’re the type who’s not really phased by much, how about a tantric yogassage? That should be “sensual” without being “sexual”, right? Sting, anyone?

They do offer clothed classes and half naked classes in case you’re not quite ready to bare your buns along with your soul.

The yogis on the website have expressions on their faces that challenge you to show up and let it all hang out. They’re almost defiant about it; which is a little disarming. Or at least disrobing.

A higher sense of self awareness is something the website focuses on a lot. Personally, I could do with a little less self awareness, thanks.

In any case, Boo Boo – this is not your average bare.

Yogi Bare?

Photo Judyth Greenburgh

40 Comments

  1. March 28, 2014    

    oh. my .word. This piece cracked me up. Thank you, I needed that today. Yes, Yoga is awkward enough, is anyone really that “focused” to not have to NOT work to notice everyone else is naked?

  2. March 28, 2014    

    OMG I don’t even wanna see me naked.

    • March 28, 2014    

      I don’t wanna see me naked either. I don’t think it would be good karma to foist that shit on others.

  3. March 28, 2014    

    Me trying get positioned in a yoga class would be embarrassing enough without the naked part. And if someone like Johnny Depp or Hugh Jackman is gping to take their clothes off I certainly don’t wish to distract anyone.

    • March 31, 2014    

      Yeah, I don’t even feel comfortable with bare feet.

  4. themomcafe's Gravatar themomcafe
    March 28, 2014    

    NO. WAY.

    Now I can’t get it outa my head, thankyouverymuch Nakedyoga.

    I suggest observing a class and perhaps vlogging it. I’m sure they would love the PR advertising. Seriously. Do it.

    • March 31, 2014    

      That would be hilarious. Hidden camera expose. But I’d have to hide the camera in my vajayjay.

  5. March 28, 2014    

    Very funny read… you DO have a way with words and visual guide points

    • March 31, 2014    

      Thanks Cat! I probably spoiled a few appetites with this visual. ;)

  6. March 28, 2014    

    hahah! No, I would not want to be behind an 80 yr old man! OMG this is so crazy! Bum cracks, other cracks…do they give out blindfolds??

    • March 31, 2014    

      Yes! That’s it! Naked, Blindfolded Yoga!

  7. March 28, 2014    

    Never ever ever. I am a progressive individual. Naked spa I can handle. Nude beach? Sure. But naked lotus? Nope. Uh uh.
    Very funny post, btw!

    • March 31, 2014    

      Naked lotus…LOL. Yeah – never, ever, evuh!

  8. March 28, 2014    

    My husband just asked me what the hell I was reading because I kept busting out laughing. Oh the imagery you leave us with. Hilarious. Just not necessary.

    • March 31, 2014    

      Ha! Thanks for the wonderful compliment! :)

  9. March 28, 2014    

    I can’t stop laughing. This was hilarious but I’m on the same page as you. I know it has to smell in there. Yoga really opens you up and that’s just disgusting to even think about. Imagine having to sanitize the room…great post though!

    • March 31, 2014    

      Right? I think we have the next Febreze commercial. “We blindfolded these people and sat them in a Naked Yoga class.”…

  10. March 28, 2014    

    The sad part is I’d be crazy enough to actually do it…

    • March 28, 2014    

      On second thought, after looking at their website and seeing the intake form and seeing the body type choices… which are as follows: Slim, Average, Fit / In-Shape, Athletic, and Rather Not Say. Is it just me, or is there a body type missing on there? Where is the option for fatties? Or are fat people not allowed to do naked yoga?!

      • March 31, 2014    

        Plus, what’s up with the picture of the guy tied up with rope? Naked Bondage Yoga is so not Zen.

  11. March 28, 2014    

    The images this puts in my brain! Not one of them is attractive, or relaxing.

  12. March 29, 2014    

    Naked yoga should stay where it belongs! On my deck in the backyard on sun shiny mornin………oh wait……maybe that’s too much information. :/

    • March 31, 2014    

      Gettin’ racy on the farm there, Ken!

  13. March 29, 2014    

    Funny post, but hell no would I consider doing that in a thousand years. My worst anxiety nightmare times ten!

  14. March 29, 2014    

    omg this is hysterical!

    • March 31, 2014    

      All the unbelievable things in the world. I love when I find a new one. Practically writes itself.

  15. March 29, 2014    

    I especially appreciated your references to the out of control animal poses. Lol. So many puns, naked yoga was practically bending over backwards for this one, right?

  16. March 29, 2014    

    I suspect it will only be the beautiful-body posers who will enrol!

    • March 31, 2014    

      I think you’re right about that. Heidi Klum, et al.

  17. March 29, 2014    

    LOL! I 18 kinds of do not understand why naked yoga is a thing. Yikes!

    • March 31, 2014    

      Me either. What next? On second thought, don’t tell me. ;)

  18. lrconsiderer's Gravatar lrconsiderer
    March 29, 2014    

    THIS line is GENIUS. Made me smile so much – I’d rather namastay clothed, thanks.

    • lrconsiderer's Gravatar lrconsiderer
      March 29, 2014    

      *falls off seat in shock* IT WORKED *dances and hollers* :D

      • March 31, 2014    

        IT WORKED!! Yippee! And thank you. Couldn’t resist that one. ;)

  19. March 31, 2014    

    Yup. It’s cray-cray. And it’s even crazier that they found people (who aren’t gay men) to do it.

  20. March 31, 2014    

    No way. Although I liked your suggestion for an alternative name.

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