funny with a soundtrack

Johnny Depp Is the “E” Word

johnny_deep-1024x768.jpgMy heart skipped a beat when Kevin (my betrothed) alerted me that Johnny  Depp would be on The Today Show this morning.

He knows. For years he’s endured my fascination with the actor – the fine specimen whose features have been crafted by The Creator with such precision that He must have been tired or just slacking when Seth Rogen slipped past Inspector #12 and off the conveyor belt.

Seth-Rogen1Sorry Seth. Your mama loves you. But I think you’ve made peace with reality by now.

At last the moment came. 8:30-ish. Of course my offspring had to be readied for the bus, which would arrive at any moment. I barked orders about tooth brushing, coat and shoes, while nodding profusely as he muttered something or other about homework, school, “share”…blah, blah, blah…”ssshh! Mama’s watching Johnny…” “yeah, Depp. I know…” *eye roll*.  He knows too. “Mom’s watching Captain Jack Sparrow again Dad…”

Oh don’t worry. He got on the bus. Somewhere between Savannah Guthrie’s incessant gushing over her extensive wedding planning volumes and some description of his upcoming movie offering. (In short, and of primary importance ladies, he will be recognizable in it, and so even if this one sucks too, at least he won’t be covered in face paint with a dead bird on his head.)

But what rocked me to my core is his admission to being…dare I say it?…the E word.  He’s *gulp* engaged, as in to be married. 

Oh, the horror.

Ladies, you know what I’m talkin’ ’bout.  You do it too. You suspend disbelief just like you do at the cinema when the dude is up onscreen bigger than life. You know as much as you adore your bad self that you are not in HIS league. You are constantly reminded by your own damn ring that you’re spoken for.  Hell, you even love the guy who gave it to you, madly and deeply and all that, even when he still hasn’t put out the trash or hung those shelves you’ve been nagging him about for the last two years, even though it would take all of two minutes to do it. Johnny probably would’ve done it immediately, am I right? Or at least he’d have people to get the job done. And those little people who keep asking you for stuff every second that you spread your considerable ass cheeks down on a cushy surface and crack open a book? Those are your chil-dren.  Yours and his.  So what does all of this mean? It means, you don’t, never did and never will have a shot in fecking hell with the Deppster, so why such abject gloom upon discovering the news?

Because silly – you, like everyone else, had gotten used to the idea that he was with Vanessa Paradis, had two children with her, but because they weren’t married, there was that impermanence that said to you “Hey girl…there’s still a nugget of a chance…it could be you…” not.  And she’s a beautiful, rail thin French pop/film star for fuck sake, so what were we thinking? But still…if we’re going to be honest and completely shallow (I am), she did have that space between her two front teeth, so she was real, yo.

And so everything that we adored about Johnny – our Johnny – was true.  A loving “partner” and father who went for a beautiful, yet slightly non conventional beauty, not of the American supermodel, film star ilk, and she’s I’m guessing – closer to his age.


Oh whatever. I guess she’s…pretty…

Then they split. Why on earth didn’t he marry this woman?  We all assumed he was too eccentric for that “piece of paper”.  But now? Now he’s getting married to some 27 year old perfectly chiseled blonde actress whose teeth are welded together – named Amber for fuck sake  and now we realize that poor Vanessa probably found out he was banging her all along and that’s what broke them up. That, and this quote:

“if you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.”

What in the name of  Wonka’s willie is that about?

Vanessa Paradis must be like “WTF!”.  Listen, I don’t get it either. And when he flashed that rock on his left digit in front of Savannah this morning, I thought, well…Johnny, I get the eccentricity. I really do. I like to march to the beat of my own unrhythmic drummer.  I like to rock interesting ensembles. If I could get away with wearing fifteen bracelets on one arm, a huge ring on every finger, bandanas hanging out of every pocket, dark glasses, a chain on my belt loooonnngggg after it’s been cool and back, and a moth eaten fedora that looks like it’s had a hole shot clean through by a large gauge shot gun, then I’d be all in, even in the ‘burbs. But Dude. Dude! A multi studded diamond engagement ring?  Well, clearly I’ve got a little mind expandin’ to do.

In the meantime, I, like many of you ladies out there, shall mourn the loss of what I never had and never was gonna. Just because. Because it feels different somehow.  Our relationship with Johnny has somehow changed. And I don’t know where it will go from here…and that scares me.

I think I need to be alone for a little while…with my thoughts…and my 12″ posable, talking Captain Jack Sparrow action figure.




  1. menopausalmother's Gravatar menopausalmother
    April 4, 2014    

    NO NO NO say it ain’t so!!!!!

  2. April 4, 2014    

    tough luck, kid.

    My wife mourns with you. I think his fiancé needs to eat a sammich.

    • April 4, 2014    

      Huh! No compassion! Tell Deana to call me and we’ll cry about it together. She understands.

  3. Natalie DeYoung's Gravatar Natalie DeYoung
    April 4, 2014    

    I am disappointed in his unimaginative choice. Sigh. Who needs youth and beauty?

    • April 4, 2014    

      No kidding. I expected better of him, but maybe Disney just completely wrecked our indie film roguish actor.

  4. April 4, 2014    

    Boy needs a bath. A good scrubbing.

    • April 4, 2014    

      I dunno…he cleaned up pretty nice on the Today Show. He goes through scruffy/clean phases. Right now I think it’s clean. 😉

  5. April 4, 2014    


    • April 4, 2014    

      I KNOOOOOWWWWW!!!!! The devastation is being felt across the globe.

  6. April 4, 2014    

    I hear ya, sister. I pretty much feel exactly the same way. Remind me to tell you about the time I dreamed that Johnny trashed my guest room and I had to give him a good talking to . . . .

    He was once *engaged* to Winona and THAT never happened. I cling to hope!

    • April 4, 2014    

      Sounds like he was a very bad boy and needed to be scolded. lol I have a Johnny Depp dream at least once a month. My husband even has Johnny Depp dreams. I know. Weird.
      Forgot about ‘Wyno Forever’. Good point. I too, cling to hope.

  7. April 4, 2014    

    Oh Dear Dear Johnny Boy. Why do you tempt fate and leave me heartbroken?

    • April 4, 2014    

      He is indeed, a Libertine. (See what I did there?) 😉

  8. April 4, 2014    

    OMG, this post is tooooo hilarious. I love the way you described JD, the description of all the bracelets and rings and stuff he layers all over himself, so funny. And….AMBER HEARD??!!! WTF?? She’s young enough to be his child! I’ll bet she gives him a run for his money, ’cause he’s not a young kid anymore even though I love him and would leave my wonderful husband in 2 seconds if he even gave me a second look.

    • April 8, 2014    

      Exactly! Young enough to be his child. Oh Johnny, you’ve gone SO Hollywood. HA! I know, why does he have that hold on us? Johnny…let…go…your powers are too great…lol

  9. April 4, 2014    

    I feel bad for Vanessa. Johnny is cute, but he’s twice his young bride’s age. I give it 7 years tops. Then he’s yours again 😉

    • April 8, 2014    

      I feel really bad for her too. She must be like WTF? All those years together and then BAM! I just finished reading the John Taylor (Duran Duran) memoir and another one about George Harrison and Eric Clapton. Men in their positions get to a point where women become disposable. It’s sad.

  10. April 5, 2014    

    I don’t even want to say it because I always get into trouble when I say it…but I’m going to go ahead and say it. I never got the Johnny Depp thing. I am so much more a Brad Pitt type of girl–and I was never even in a sorority! If it helps, I am slightly in love with Steve Buscemi, too. :) But Linda, your writing style cracks me the eff up. I LOVED this post!

    • April 8, 2014    

      Shay! Bite your tongue! Didn’t you get the memo? You are a female. That means, you MUST have the hots for Johnny Depp. It’s the law. But you know what? I think it’s like an actor Bermuda Triangle. Over here you’ve got Brad Pitt, and over there you’ve got Steve Buscemi. And somewhere in between, there’s Johnny Depp. It all works out in the end.

  11. April 5, 2014    

    This had me laughing! I love Johnny Depp too and had heard that he was getting married. I read about it somewhere a while ago. Apparently millions of bucks will buy you a trophy bride half your age! Sorry for your loss but hang in there….it won’t be long until he’s free again. Until then, the hubby can breathe easy :)

    • April 8, 2014    

      You’re not kidding. I think we should do a betting pool to see how long this lasts.

  12. April 5, 2014    

    I can’t. I just can’t. My 21 jump street heart is just breaking

    • April 8, 2014    

      I know Jessica. I know. *sniff* That’s why we need to be strong for each other.

  13. donna joy's Gravatar donna joy
    July 13, 2014    

    …because we’re afraid he might have one of those “tom cruise on oprah’s couch” moments now…

give me your two cents. i'm broke.


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