elleroy say: He who order Chinese food…still have to order dessert. Because the fortune cookies suck.

Everybody knows the fun is in the fortune. But what the heck do they mean?

I got one that said “If you’re still hungry…order more food.” How prophetic. It’s Chinese food, people. Of course I’m still hungry. Also, excellent marketing strategy. “Keep eating, folks! Try the Kun Pao, we’ll be here all week.”

I save my fortunes. My kids love ’em, I love ’em. I put them on the fridge door and I put the rest in a bowl for fun spur of the moment reading. Try it. Put a bowl of fortunes on your living room table when you have your next party. People will sit and read them out loud.

It’s a gas. About the same amount you’ll get from the beef and peppers.

I’ve got hundreds and I like to think I’ve picked up a little insight from them over the years.


Nah. I’ll help. You’re welcome.

So…as a public service…I’ve decided to take some of the mystery out of it so you can look like a regular Confucius at your next take-out dinner party.

You enjoy giving gifts of yourself to others, you will be rewarded.

Beware of STD’s.

Your efforts have not gone unnoticed.

When you set up your best friends and they get divorced, that shit stays with you.

Think like a man of action and act like a man of thought.

How to feel like a woman on steroids.

Patience is one of the hardest virtues to master.

Yeah…get to the point, asshole.

Your infinite capacity for patience will be rewarded sooner or later.

Be patient because the rewards usually come later.

Well done is better than well said.

If you’re a writer, you’re screwed.

high time

Somehow your mother manages to nag you via fortune cookie.

Getting together with old friends brings new adventures.

If your ex shows up to the party, be prepared for a fist fight.

A small house can hold as much happiness as a big one.

See? Now don’t you feel better about not being able to afford that McMansion?

Your home will be visited by good health and wealth.

Put a pot of coffee on. Richard Simmons and Ed McMahon are coming over.


This fortune cookie writer could’ve enlisted the help of a “team” proofreader.

A good friendship is often more important than a passionate romance. 

So binging on Ben & Jerry’s with your BFF on a Saturday night really is better.

Made in the USA.

That explains the Kung Pao Chicken.

Good clothes open many doorsGo shopping.

There are commercials in fortune cookies too.

Inch by inch life’s a cinch. Yard by yard life is hard.

Size does matter, ladies.


Also the one who gets kicked in the backside.

A mile walked with a friend contains only a hundred steps.

Your friends don’t exercise? The walk will be from the fridge to the couch.

You cannot run away from yourself; you’re always right behind you. 

You’re paranoid and your shadow is out to get you.


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